


Twist of Fate

by cruxifiction (vampirecaligula)



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neurodiversity, Redemption, Romance, a couple talks about their feelings; no sex just support, aaaaangst, self-actualization
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:51:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9574658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirecaligula/pseuds/cruxifiction
Summary: There was a time when Zelos sat beside Lloyd, their hands close enough to touch, and thought that for him, he could do this.  He could change.He didn’t count on Lloyd being the one to let him down.[zelos’s route; au where lloyd chooses kratos at flanoir.]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. this monstrosity has been burning a hole in my hard drive for two years now so i think it's finally time to release it into the wild  
> 2\. i marked it for major character death but let's be real, we all knew that was coming  
> 3\. i promise not all of the chapters are this long there was just no good way to split the prologue  
> 4\. good luck
> 
> [here's a list of warnings](http://i.imgur.com/O92XR4S.png); nothing is too bad because this is first and foremost a h/c fic, but reader discretion is advised

Moonlight poured through the window at the end of the hall, catching a door in its glow—the door Zelos stopped in front of.It was ridiculous to feel so fucking exposed in the middle of the night, but here he was, with his stomach knotting itself into a mess and his hands trembling from what he told himself was the cold.

Winter was supposed to be on its way out, but if someone had asked Zelos he would’ve said that was bullshit.The sun still rose late and set early, and the dark hours did not improve the temperature.He had not even stepped outside yet, and already goosebumps lined his skin.When he exhaled, which was happening a little more than usual, his breath came out in wisps of fog.

To Zelos, time did not seem to exist, which made it all the worse when he glanced at a clock and realized how quickly it actually moved.The inn had already settled down for the night—or whatever passed for it, when the sun never rose.The glowing lamps that lit the hall had been dimmed significantly, throwing deep shadows around corners and behind furniture.The pattern on the carpet was barely visible, but that was all well and good; it, along with the heavy tapestries on the wall, was meant for insulation more than looks.It was shit at both jobs.

He should have been grateful.At least freezing his ass off was a pretty good occupation for his thoughts. 

Zelos rubbed his hands together, breathing on them for warmth—he ought to have invested in thicker gloves—and counted.One, two, three.At four he paused, grit his teeth, balled his fingers in a fist, and stopped just short of knocking.

Zelos’s foot edged back a hair’s breadth. 

He could not do this. 

There was too much at stake.If revealing his secrets didn’t immediately result in betrayed horror (which it would), it would certainly ruin any chance he had at a way out. 

But wasn’t that the point of it all?To stop himself before he could start?

Roughly he carded his fingers through his hair, tugging at the roots.Of course that was the point.But telling Lloyd about his activity after all this time, it was going to hurt him so, so much.If he decided Zelos’s actions were irredeemable—which he had every right to do—Zelos didn’t know how he would live with it. 

His hand hovered in midair.He could turn around now and go back to his room, and no one would be the wiser.Lloyd would never know he’d been here, would never know what he wanted to say, and Zelos could follow through with tomorrow’s plan the way he had originally intended.

Or he could go with Kratos’s plan.

No, Zelos told himself harshly; he didn’t need Kratos’s plan.He could do this himself, or not at all.He knocked sharply on Lloyd’s door.

He regretted the move immediately.What if Lloyd didn’t answer?What if he _did_?Zelos hadn’t prepared for either eventuality.Five minutes ago he’d been lounging in bed; getting up and coming here was pure whim and gods, what would he even say? 

Zelos was about to turn on his heel and leave when the door clicked open, and Lloyd, half-dressed with shadows under his eyes, stood on the other side.“Zelos?” he said, his voice far too awake to have gotten much sleep.

Zero hour.

Flanoir chilled Zelos to the bone.It dug inside his skin and froze the blood in his veins; and as if none of those were enough it gave him a constant feeling of dread.Everything awful in his life, so far, had occurred somewhere with snow, which did not set a great precedent.

But seeing Lloyd, hearing him, knowing that he was inches away and that it would take so very little to bridge the gap between them, made Zelos feel far too warm.

I can’t do this, he thought again, and it cascaded from a distinct thought into something racing at breakneck speed, a sensation that was not so much a thought as a feeling in the pit of his stomach.I can’t do this.I can’t hurt him.

You have to.

“Yeah, hi bud,” Zelos said, as nonchalant as possible—but the words were too quick.Too obvious.“Can I come in?”

Lloyd blinked and scratched his head—despite the familiarity of the motion, it was the most solemn Zelos had ever seen him.“I. . . I don’t know, Zelos, it’s been a long day, and I’m really tired. . . .”

“Hell, yeah, me too,” Zelos said, laughing once with out humor.“I just wanna talk for a bit.We can go outside if you want, get some fresh air.I swear I won’t do anything too weird.”He grinned.

I want to tell you.I want to tell you everything, so badly.C’mon, give me a chance.

Lloyd stood there and just looked at him for the longest time, with the widest, tiredest eyes Zelos had ever seen. 

Despite himself, his heart sank.Lloyd wasn’t the kind of guy who turned anyone down; if he wasn’t enthusiastically agreeing, then that was about as close to saying no as he got. 

“I. . . .” he said, his mouth hanging open to say more, but the words did not come.

Zelos shook his head lightly, holding up a hand.He felt as if a weight was settling in on his chest, constricting his breathing.“Nah, it’s okay, I can take a hint.You get some sleep bud, we can hang tomorrow.”

“I’m really sorry, Zelos,” Lloyd said. 

Zelos almost believed him.

“No worries.I can find some other lonely maid to keep me company, we’ll have fun.Sleep tight, and bed bugs, ‘n all that.”

“You too.”Lloyd smiled at him, but it was comparatively weak.“Don’t stay up too late!”

“Please, I’ll sleep when I’m dead!”Zelos winked at him, and Lloyd rolled his eyes before shutting the door with a click.

* * *

Cold had a scent to it.  Hollow, musty, it engulfed slowly and lingered long after it was welcome.  It was exacerbated out here in the open, where the night sky was dark enough to trap it within the city.

Zelos wasn’t built for this kind of hardship. 

He rubbed his hands together violently, and pulled the cloak closer around his shoulders, trying to focus on anything but his racing thoughts.The cold was no longer an adequate source of distraction. 

What now?

Lloyd had not wanted to speak to him.Zelos tried to tell himself that that was fine, that Lloyd wasn’t under any obligation to do so anyway, and it was really fucking pathetic to spiral into despair just because the kid was tired.He relied too much on Lloyd, forgetting that he wasn’t something strong and unmoveable.Lloyd was only a teenager in way over his head, and he had enough to worry about with saving the world without having to deal with Zelos’s shit, too.

But it hurt.Gods, did it ever hurt. 

Zelos had to get off the street, out of the glaring lights and the crunching of snow beneath his shoes, before he dropped in the middle of the plaza.

He turned a corner at random, skidding when his heel hit a patch of ice and barely catching himself. 

It was just so damn easy to get carried away on his words. Lloyd seemed so convinced that separating the worlds would fix everything, that all of the crap they’d had to live through up to this point would be worth it if they could just right the wrongs Yggdrasill had committed.That everything would go back to normal,to better than normal; that Colette would be saved, that Raine and Genis would be free, that Bryant would be redeemed.That they could change the world so completely, the Chosen of Mana would no longer be necessary. 

For a while there, Zelos had even believed him.

He stood in an alleyway, facing a dead end that was interrupted only by a sealed door on the far wall.It was dark enough that the shadows almost completely obscured the corners; anyone or anything could be hiding there, and no one in the street would be the wiser.

Perfect.

Zelos collapsed against the wall, hugging his arms close and willing himself to breathe.To count.It would be fine.He would be fine.He could make it, at least until tomorrow, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer.

Small, opaque flakes hung in the golden lamplight that lined the streets, almost bright white against the black sky.They fell slowly, landing against mounds of snow or on his fingers and shoulders, immediately melting and leaving tiny drops of moisture on the fabric.The drops fell on his nose and cheek, stinging his skin, and leaving wet trails across the surface.Zelos rubbed them away with one hand.

What was left on his glove was not water, but blood.He choked; it became impossible to breathe.Bright and candy-red and streaked across his clothing, and dripping on the snow below him.It spattered beneath his feet and turned into a trail, leading to a pool of red that soaked long, golden curls.

Nausea took root deep in his throat and he was suddenly grateful he hadn’t been able to eat dinner. 

“Oh, Zelos!”

He blinked and it was gone.No blood, no curls.The drops on his hands were only water, and the snow was pure and untouched.

The nausea, however, remained.

Zelos swallowed it—the nausea, the fear—and took a shuddering breath.It was difficult with the vestiges of the memory still fresh in his mind, along with the requisite irritation—this hadn’t bothered him in years, not the memories, not the snow, but of course it was just his luck that they would come to him now. 

Years of practice took over.A smooth grin crossed his face as he stepped out of the alley, pushing his hood back with one hand and smoothing his hair with the other.“Hey, darlin’,” he said cheerily, approaching Colette with as confident a stride as he could manage.“What are you doing out here, bundled up so nice?”

Colette smiled brilliantly at him, her breath tiny puffs in the cold air, cheeks round and ruddy.“We’re all out looking for you, silly,” she said, tapping his arm in a gentle slap.“We got worried!”

“Worried?About me?Either you’ve fallen too hard or I need to step up my game,” Zelos replied.“You should worry about yourself, hun.All cold and alone like this.You’re lucky you found me before someone else found you.”

Colette shrugged, still smiling, but with a slant to her eyes that said he was being ridiculous. “I can take care of myself!” she announced.“I could certainly take care of you.I’ve got some tricks of my own, you know!”

Zelos stepped back and held up his hands in mock surrender—though he was only half playing.Colette was right.Anyone in his right mind wouldn’t dare challenge her.“Sure you can!I bet you could kick my ass all the way back to Meltokio, even with those pretty feet,” he assured her.“But come on, don’t blame me for caring about you.”

She laughed, blushing.“I won’t,” she promised.“And anyway, I wasn’t alone.I was with Lloyd just a few minutes ago.”

The feeling in Zelos’s stomach was odd. 

A lurch, almost queasy—but with a pleasant warmth as well, one that was permanently associated with Lloyd.“That knucklehead, huh?He’s out here too?”

“Of course!Like I said, we were worried.” 

“That’s funny.Last I checked he was too tired even to chat.”

“Really?” A shadow passed over Colette’s face, her brow furrowing with concern, eyes almost solemn.It was disconcerting to watch; Colette was nothing if not open and friendly, but then again.Zelos liked to think he knew her pretty well: burying strife and anxiety beneath a smile and a hair-toss was a skill that no one mastered like a Chosen, and Colette was just as talented as he was.“I guess he took a nap and perked up!”

And just like that, the moment was gone. 

“What about you?” Colette asked.“What are you doing out here?I thought you hated snow.”

“Damn, was it that obvious?”

“Lucky guess.”She winked.

He didn’t have an excuse, beyond _I was feeling bitter and couldn’t stand you assholes, and would rather brave the snow than spend another minute listening to Bryant’s sermons_ —he wouldn’t have told any of them that, except perhaps Genis, and definitely not Colette.So he gave a languid shrug, his fingers spread wide.“I really couldn’t tell a proper doll such as yourself where I’ve been,” he said.“It would shock you, _horrify_ you, unless you’re into that kinda stuff, in which case I’d be surprised but not displeased—”

Her face contorted in horror; she smacked his arm, harder this time, but still not enough to hurt.“Zelos!” she cried softly as he laughed.She was so very easy.He hadn’t even said anything yet.

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything you don’t want,” he went on, and winked back.

Colette blushed again, trying her best to scowl.“I’m going back to the inn!” she told him.“Lloyd’s still at the lookout point, last I checked.You can catch up when you’re going to be appropriate!”

“You just doomed me to a frozen grave, pumpkin!” Zelos said, but she had already turned and was walking away, the ends of her golden hair wet—with snow, thank the gods.

He watched her leave, queasiness settling into his stomach once again.

“Colette,” he called—more seriously, before she could get too far away to hear him.“Wait a sec.”

She turned, one eyebrow raised.Skeptical, but too virtuous to ignore him.“What’s up?”

And now his mouth hung open.What he wanted to ask was there in his mind, very clearly, but the phrasing of it, that was the trouble. 

“Doesn’t it get hard for you?” he asked eventually, his words hesitant.“Being Chosen, I mean.”

“Oh,” she said softly, the solemnity returning.She stood beside him, her arms wrapped around herself, as she bit her lip in thought.“Well, yeah,” she said after a pause.“Of course it’s hard.Life is hard, Zelos, for me and for everyone else. I don’t think it’s very fair for me to think I have it harder—I mean, there’s plenty that Genis and Lloyd and Sheena have to bear that I don’t, even with being Chosen.”

“But don’t you ever wish it was. . . y’know, different?” 

Zelos wasn’t certain what he was looking for. Some reassurance, maybe, that he wasn’t awful or crazy for wanting what he did.Or perhaps confirmation that he was.He went on, “Don’t you ever want to live your life the way you want it?”

She frowned, considering that too.But this took her less time, and she spoke again after only a few seconds.“I want both worlds to be safe, and happy,” she said.“I don’t want anyone to suffer or die unnecessarily, and I… I also don’t want anyone to die in order to make that happen.I would have died, I believe in it that strongly, but everyone worked really hard to make sure I didn’t have to.And I’m grateful for that.And because of all your hard work, I’m in a place now where I can help make the world safe like I want it to be.”

She smiled gently, nervously.“So I guess being Chosen is kind of working out for me, that way.I’m doing with my life what I want to do with it now—being Chosen is just another part of me, you know?”

As she spoke, Zelos’s heart only sank deeper into his shoes.Of course Colette had rationalized it so concisely to herself: she would want, at her core, to help the rest of the world.And Zelos couldn’t do that.He didn’t have her altruism, her goodness—he would never be able to sacrifice himself so fully. 

He really was a shit excuse for a Chosen.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said.

“I hope that helps,” she replied—and she did look hopeful, her eyes wide and pleading.She laid a hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

Zelos patted it, grinning.“You’re amazing, Colette,” he said, and winked.“Almost as amazing as me.I’m gonna go find Lloyd, we’ll meet you back at the inn.”

* * *

 

There was still Kratos’s plan.

“Do not pretend this is what you want,” the seraph had told him, voice crackling over the shitty reception.Who knew signal would suck so much in heaven?

“The only one pretending here is you, pal,” Zelos had retorted.He’d swiped a half-empty bottle from Altessa; the alcohol content was depressingly low, and Zelos’s tolerance unfortunately high.There was the hint of fuzz on the edge of his consciousness, a distinct sluggishness to his thoughts, but he was still more coherent for the conversation than he’d’ve liked.“I made my bed and I’m gonna fucking lay in it.”

“I have been collecting materials for the Eternal Ring.The only one that remains is aionis.”

“Heeey, that one sounds familiar.Friend of mine?”

“In a sense.”Kratos’s voice was tired, but so was it always.“After you have handed Colette to Pronyma, slip away and find me.We’ll make sure the Chosen of Sylvarant and the others get out alive, with aionis.”

“And me in chains, right?”Knock back another swig.A faint burning, but nothing important.Had some asshole diluted this?“If it’s between me dying and Lloyd hating my guts, I’ll take the grave, thanks.”

“You will regret that decision.”

“You know the great thing about dying, pops?I’m not gonna regret shit, ‘cause I’ll be dead.Love that about mortality.”

There was a loud crackle as Kratos sighed.“Whatever you decide,” he said eventually, “the offer remains.”

“Hey, I don’t need your help,” Zelos said into the microphone.“I don’t want your help.”

“It is not about you, it is about Lloyd.”

“I’ll—I can figure out Lloyd,” he went on, stumbling over the words.Even as he did there was a distinct ache in his chest; he didn’t want to betray Lloyd, he couldn’t betray Lloyd.It would be the most difficult thing he had ever done, and as he’d said seconds before—he would rather die.

But neither could he accept Kratos’s salvation. 

“Seeya on the flipside,” he muttered, and ended the call.

* * *

The inn loomed before him, not quite as big as anything in Meltokio or Altamira, but still with that intimidating quality that made things distinctly Tethe’allan.If what Colette had said was true, Lloyd ought to be somewhere around here—maybe Zelos had another chance after all.

Kratos’s plan looked more and more tempting, despite his disgust for its mastermind.Betray Lloyd, and then turn around and switch back to his side, with a hop and a skip and a charming wink, and later they’d all go out for tea and cookies and pretend it never happened.It was exactly the kind of two- or- three-faced bullshit Zelos expected of himself, though it left a bad taste in his mouth.

However.There was an equal chance of Lloyd hating him afterward, which Zelos still would not blame him for.Did the pros of helping Lloyd, of not actually betraying him, of risking his scorn and Zelos living to tell the tale, outweigh the costs?There was no question that Lloyd’s was the weaker side, that he and his friends were doomed to fail.No matter how much he hoped, Zelos could not convince himself that they had a chance in the world.

But he could give the benefit of the doubt.

He circled around the front of the inn to the back, keeping close to the shadow of the eaves.Sure enough, there were a couple sets of footprints in the snow; large, and almost indistinguishable from each other, but very clearly there.Lloyd and Regal?Perhaps.

Then there was shouting.

Lloyd’s shouting.

“No!” Zelos heard him call distantly.“I said that’s enough!”

His footsteps quickened into a run.Trouble, maybe—Zelos ran through a list of who it could be.Yggdrasill?Desians?Leftover Renegades, pissed about their cover being blown?He would not put it past any of them.His left hand went to the hilt of his sword, half-drawing it as he turned the corner—

—and stopped short.

Lloyd stood there, a cloak around his shoulders but the hood resting on his back.There was no one else in sight, save for Kratos Aurion, who blended into the shadows like the traitor he was.He said something to Lloyd that was too low for Zelos to hear, even with a seraph’s senses. 

Lloyd seemed to relax on hearing whatever it was Kratos had said.“Is that when you went back to Cruxis?” he asked.

Zelos’s jaw clenched and he jammed the sword back into its sheath, ignoring the prickling in his eyes as he turned and headed for the inn.

Of course Lloyd would be out here with Kratos, who was clearly more worthy of his time than Zelos; hadn’t that been proven over and over again, as Lloyd continued to nose his way into Kratos’s inane scavenger hunt?And of course they would be coming up with some sort of scheme for tomorrow’s events; more than likely Kratos had given up on Zelos ever coming around, as people so often did.Zelos had no idea why he’d considered trusting the man in the first place.

He tore through the front door and down the hall of the inn, pushing past roused guests and a few familiar faces, too, though he didn’t bother recognizing them.Eventually, he came to his own room.

“So much for trying to turn myself around,” he muttered bitterly, and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

“Hey, Zelos.”

It was just the two of them when the rest of the party began to climb aboard the rheairds, preparing to set off for the Tower.

Zelos stopped, twisting on the balls of his feet to see Lloyd.“What’s up, bud?” he asked cheerily, winding a strand of his hair around his finger.Maybe today, at the last possible minute—

—but he didn’t dare hope.

Lloyd furrowed his brow and frowned, looking for all the world like the man he’d been talking to only the night before.It would’ve been precious if it wasn’t infuriating.“You’ve been acting kinda weird lately.”

So he’d noticed.Took him damn long enough.“If by ‘weird’ you mean ‘extra desirable’, then yeah, I’d noticed the improvement, too.”

“Not like that,” Lloyd said.He tapped his foot anxiously, biting his lower lip.“I can trust you, right?”

Zelos hadn’t been hoping.He’d already given up on being able to actually talk to Lloyd; this was the nail in the coffin.Lloyd really had no idea that all Zelos wanted, all Zelos ever wanted, lately, was for him to realize that Zelos was more than just a charming dick. 

But to Lloyd, he’d never be anything else, would he?

Zelos laughed—did it sound too strained?—and clapped him on the back.“Yeah, yeah, of course you can,” he said.“Just leave it to me, okay?Don’t worry!”

Lloyd half-grinned, wrapping an arm around Zelos’s waist, and gods was it ironic that this was what it took for them to be close.“Yeah, okay.Good luck!”

“You too, hun,” Zelos said.“You too.” 

* * *

People talked about glass ceilings and how impossible they were to supersede, but Zelos thought they were severely underestimating glass floors.

If he craned his neck back far enough to risk falling on his ass, he still would not be able to see the top of the Tower of Salvation.According to legend it stretched high enough to reach Welgaia itself; Zelos knew better, but standing at its base, it was difficult to believe otherwise.

If the exterior of the Tower was monstrous, the interior was even more so.The edifice was strikingly hollow, its walls glowing an eerie turquoise with glass pillars stretching into the dark.The floors too were translucent; despite entering on ground level, the Tower continued far below to the core of Tethe’alla, and the only thing preventing them from falling to their deaths was this thin walk of glass.

The Tower was scentless, despite the coffins of Chosens past that lined the walls.Zelos didn’t bother thinking about what happened to their bodies.He would discover that soon enough.

Before them stood a spiral stair—also of glass, and with no rail or other kind of support—that circled to the top of the Tower. 

“Everyone ready?”

Lloyd’s voice, though he was characteristically loud, was small, easily lost in the hollow structure. 

There was a long moment where no one said anything.

Zelos took a deep breath and strode forward.His apprehension from the day before and even from this morning was gone, replaced by a reckless abandon.Adrenaline?Maybe.He did feel jittery, as if he could run around the world a thousand times and still not be tired.“If I say ‘ready or not, here we come’, you gotta promise to run me through, yeah?”

Lloyd snorted, but the rest of the group did not find it as amusing.

The hike to the top seemed to pass all too quickly. 

Eventually they stood on a wide, circular platform with a teleportation glyph in the center, surrounded on all sides by the glass pillars from the floor below.These crackled with electric mana; Zelos could feel their intensity even at this distance, and the Sage siblings looked distinctly uncomfortable. 

What now?

“So,” Lloyd said, “how do we get in?”

Zelos stepped toward the teleporter, his fingers hooked loosely on his belt-loops.“I’ve got an idea.Colette, c’mere a second!”

“What?” Colette said in surprise, her voice somewhat higher than usual.“How come?”

“We’re both Chosens, right?” Zelos twisted around to wink at her—her mouth was turned down in nervousness, her fingers rubbing together.She knew.She had to know.“I bet between the two of us we can figure this one out!”

“Right, yeah!Of course!”

She grinned at him, trusting. 

She didn’t know.

“You got this, Colette,” Lloyd said reassuringly, giving her a high five before she trotted over to Zelos. 

She smiled at him as she came over and he smiled back, feeling like a predator just before the kill.Gently he wrapped an arm around the small of her back, guiding her to the far side of the glyph.“What do you have in mind?” she asked.

“Nothing big,” Zelos murmured to her, shifting his hand from her back to her arm. 

He drew his sword and tightened his grip around her arm.As he turned back to face Lloyd, he dragged her in close, knocking her off balance.Colette shrieked in surprise, the shrill tone digging into Zelos’s ears.

“Colette!” Lloyd shouted as he started forward.The others were on their guard; the Sages and Sheena ready to cast, Regal and Presea tense.

They were too late.Zelos held the edge of his blade to Colette’s throat.Lloyd halted his advance, eyes wide in alarm.“Zelos, what the hell—!”

“I’m sorry about this, sweetheart, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” Zelos said to Colette, loud enough for the others to hear.Lloyd regained his senses and drew his swords, taking another couple of steps forward.

“D-don’t do this,” Colette whispered, her voice trembling.“Please—”

Pressing the blade closer to her skin, ignoring her whimper of fear, was easier than he thought it’d be.

“You get closer,” Zelos warned, “she dies.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Lloyd shouted, but he was overshadowed by a blinding light as the glyph began to glow.

Zelos shut his eyes only for a second.When he opened them again there were three more in the room—two were angels of Cruxis, their wings pure white and twice as long as they were tall, who stood on either side of Zelos and Colette.Their swords were drawn, their muscles tense as they waited for orders.

And there was Lady Pronyma, who held her head high as she gazed over the scene.She hovered over the glyph, her robes glinting iridescent in the light.“Look at this,” she proclaimed, clapping her hands together once.Her voice was like silk, echoing across the emerald walls and filling everything within.“Well done, Chosen One.For a time those of us on high didn’t think you would succeed, but here you are!”

Zelos grit his teeth, but he gave the cardinal as pleasant a smile as he could.“You know how I love to please, my Lady.”

“You’re betraying us?!” Lloyd’s voice broke through Pronyma’s spell—not even a spell, properly, so much as the hypnotic effect her voice could cast.“After all this time?!”

“Betraying you?” Pronyma said with a sneer.“What a thought!Your dear Zelos has been working for us the entire time, child.If anything he’s performed admirably.”She waved her fingers at the angels.“Bring me the girl.”

“No!” Lloyd shouted.“Leave her alone!”

“Don’t you fucking dare, Wilder!” Sheena cried.“You’re an asshole, but I always thought you were a good person somewhere down the line!”

The angels stepped closer.Zelos’s gaze flicked between them and Pronyma, Colette and Sheena, and finally to Lloyd, who eyes and mouth were wide in horror. 

Without breaking eye contact, Zelos released Colette, tossing her onto the glyph.“Lloyd!” she screamed, as the glyph shone again and rendered she and both the angels incorporeal.No one bothered to grab her after Zelos let go; Colette scrambled to her feet and rushed forward, but before she could reach the edge, the three of them disappeared.The only thing left was her voice, still crying out Lloyd’s name.

Pronyma examined her fingernails.“I shall go inform Lord Yggdrasill about his imminent victory,” she said.“Do try not to be too long, Chosen One.We have far too much work left to complete.”

Then she too was gone, leaving only Zelos to face Colette’s friends.

Out of habit he adjusted his grip on his blade, twisting it around his wrist and back again.It occupied his attention for the few seconds it took Lloyd to register what had happened.

“Zelos,” Lloyd said—his voice trembled, cracked; he was angry, yes, but he was upset, and confused, and yesterday that would have killed Zelos to know but now there was a hollow where his emotions should be.“Zelos, what the fuck?Where is she?!”

“The hell does that matter?” Zelos retorted.“She’s gone now, kiddo!”

“Why would you—I don’t get it!” Lloyd screamed; were those tears in his eyes?He was too distant to tell.“Colette never did a damn thing to you!She trusted you, we all did!You’re the one who told me I could trust you!”

So trust was what it came down to, huh? 

What a fucking riot.

Zelos scoffed, tapping his fingers on the flat of his blade.“Wow.It’s almost like I wanted to trick you or something.Who’d’ve guessed?”

“Why?!” Lloyd pointed at him with one of his blades, the end trembling.“Just—just tell me why.Please.”

Zelos licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair, and made sure that when he spoke again, the grin was vicious.“You’re so damn naïve, Lloyd,” he said, striding forward—one foot in front of the other, hips swaying.A great performance, if he said so himself.“You somehow think that you’re gonna be able to topple a deity who’s spent four thousand years building up his empire?It just doesn’t work that way, hero.”He shook his head, tsk tsk tsk.“There’s no way you and your friends can beat Yggdrasill, not with the kind of resources he’s got on his side.”

“But you have to try,” Lloyd insisted.“You can’t just sit by and let stuff happen!Zelos, come on—!”

“Who said I was sitting here letting shit happen?” Zelos said.“I like to think of this as taking control of my own destiny!Look at it like this: everyone’s getting what they want!”He counted off on his fingers, holding them high so that Lloyd could see them.“Colette gets to sacrifice herself, you get to die fighting the inevitable, and when this is all over, I get to kick back and relax.It’ll be great; you’ll love it!”

“You can’t seriously think this is the right thing to do!”

“Hey, hey,” Zelos said almost placatingly.“Don’t take it personally.It was gonna be between you guys, the Renegades, or Cruxis.The Renegades burned themselves out, and you sure as hell don’t look promising, so here we are.”

To Zelos’s surprise, someone besides Lloyd spoke.“You’d sell out your own companions to work with the highest bidder?” Regal said—he was normally so quiet, but now his eyes flashed, his words laced with venom.

“Yeah,” Zelos replied shortly.“Really working the observation skills, huh?”

“That’s despicable,” Raine spat.

He pointed straight at her—as if he was calling on acorrect answer in class, he noted with some amusement.“Sage has it right, folks!Despicable.That’s me!Terrible, awful, irresponsible, untrustworthy, shit excuse for a Chosen.Wouldn’t it just be great if no one had to put up with that anymore?I know I’d appreciate it,” he declared.“Face it.What Cruxis is offering, no one else did.I gotta go where the money is, that’s just how life fucking works.”

“What the hell is Cruxis offering that’s worth selling out the people who love you?!” Lloyd shouted.

Love.

Well, that was a funny choice of words, wasn’t it?

Zelos laughed at the ridiculousness of it.If they’d had this conversation yesterday, maybe something would’ve been different.Hell if he could ever know that now.

“Is it because I didn’t believe you?!” Lloyd demanded again.“I—I’m sorry, Zelos, I didn’t—”

“It doesn’t matter now, kid,” Zelos said dismissively, waving a hand.“You had your chance.This is how it worked out.How’s that for fighting the goddamn inevitable?

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he went on, stepping onto the glyph, “I’ve got some business I need to take care of.”

“You’re not going anywhere!” Lloyd screamed, and Zelos barely had time to get up his blade before both of Lloyd’s came crashing down on him.

There was a loud schling of metal sliding over metal as Zelos slipped out from under Lloyd’s blow, reeling slightly from the impact.He recovered quickly.Zelos flipped the grip of his shortsword as he twisted to the right, bringing it down toward Lloyd’s shoulder.He could end it quickly this way, maybe without killing the guy—

—but the conditions were not so ideal. 

Lloyd was unsteady when he was emotional—movements sloppy, footwork worse—but gods all damn, was he fast.Zelos hit Lloyd’s sword at an angle, carrying his hand dangerously close to the blade. 

“I don’t want to fight you!” Lloyd said breathlessly.Zelos caught a glimpse of his eyes, wide and brown and desperate, before he shoved Lloyd away.

Zelos leapt backward and into a crouch, ready for the next attack.“Funny, ‘cause you started it!” he retorted.“Might as well go all-out, yeah?”

In the distance Raine shouted something; Zelos was sure he recognized the word, but it didn’t register in his brain. 

Fucking casters, he thought to himself, and made a mad dash for Lloyd.

Lloyd parried easily, Zelos’s blade missing before it had the chance to hit.Either the half-elf had enchanted Lloyd’s weapon or bewitched his.It didn’t matter.The things were useless now.

When Lloyd attacked again—from the left this time—Zelos stepped in as close as possible and snatched his wrist, slashing it roughly before ducking the other hand.Lloyd yelped as dark blood began to soak his sleeve, the grip on his sword faltering for half a second.

His blade, then; not mine.Raine’s voice rang out, casting a first aid. 

It was the half-second that Zelos needed. He took another step backward as Lloyd regained his bearings.When Lloyd came at him again in a lunge, he twisted his blade around the one in Lloyd’s weak arm and pulled.

The sword clattered to the ground.Zelos quickly kicked it as far away as possible.Lloyd only had one now; that should be simple enough to handle.

To his credit, Lloyd reacted quickly, slashing at Zelos’s other side.“I trusted you!” he shouted.

Zelos leapt back again, his blade up in defense.“This is a good life lesson for ya, then!”

He couldn’t have moved faster.As soon as he moved out of range lightning struck where he’d been standing, missing him and Lloyd by a hair’s breadth.Zelos cursed to himself; if Genis wised up on the mana running through the pillars, he was done for.

This time Zelos charged first, startling Lloyd into a retreat.But they were too close for Lloyd to get far.Zelos snatched one of his stupid suspenders, dragged him close, and drove his knee into Lloyd’s gut.

Lloyd choked and his hand reached out, scrabbling for any kind of purchase.He found Zelos’s hair, his fingers twisting into the locks and pulling as hard as he could.Zelos’s neck twisted painfully; he howled and cursed, and kicked Lloyd away as effectively as he could.

Lloyd staggered backward.Zelos’s scalp burned; Lloyd might have even managed to take a good chunk with him, though it was impossible to tell in all that fucking red.

“Lloyd, get back!” he heard Sheena yell—where was everyone, anyway?—and then there was a severe temperature drop as one of her Guardians appeared before him.

The issue with Guardians was that you couldn’t hit ‘em properly, Zelos remembered as he staggered back, but they could sure as hell hit you.He could get rid of them with an eruption, but only if he could avoid distraction long enough to cast—

The Guardian moved almost faster than Lloyd, claws outstretched.Zelos stepped back rather than be caught, but its reach was longer than he anticipated.The claws raked across his chest, leaving a cold burn that started at his shoulder and moved agonizingly slowly down his torso.

“Fuck,” Zelos bit, before a boulder came out of nowhere and crashed into his side.

Genis had figured out the mana.

He could swear he blacked out for a second.Next thing he was on the floor, pieces of rock clattering to the ground.The collision had rendered his right side bruised and aching, but he staggered to his feet, blinking away the flashing lights and praying the vertigo in his head would settle.

Before it could another boulder hit him between the shoulder blades.Zelos stumbled forward and twisted—not a boulder, a boot, glinting as it spun and came crashing toward him again.Somewhere Lloyd was shouting, but he couldn’t pinpoint the direction.

Any strategy he might’ve had failed him.Zelos sidestepped and swung out randomly as Regal landed, his head still spinning.He missed, momentum carrying him straight into a kick in his gut.

The wind knocked out of him, Zelos gasped.He stepped back rapidly to avoid another blow—

—Only to be met with something long and sharp and cold and burning digging itself into his shoulder.

Zelos screamed.

“Shut up,” he heard Presea say—tiny Presea, with her cool voice and monotonous tone, who had not said a word all day—as she wrenched her axe from his flesh.

He had no idea how he managed to stand back up, how his blade still hadn’t left his hand and how he staggered backward.How he kept Presea and Regal in view, though their forms swam and blended together as Genis and Raine chanted in the distance.

You’re a shuddering fucking mess.His head felt warm, sticky; his hair surely tangled and matted like a homicide victim, and he could no longer even feel his right arm, much less use it.

But his left was still functioning.As long as he could stand, he could fight; wasn’t that how it had always been?

But Presea and Regal and Genis and Raine merely stood there; Sheena’s Guardian hovered somewhere in his peripheral vision, and he couldn’t see Lloyd anywhere.

“Well?!” Zelos spat, his words trembling.“That can’t be it!”

No one moved.

“C’mon,” he went on, with a single laugh (that killed his chest and his lungs and gods he was not going to do that again).“I just handed your best girl over to a genocidal maniac!Aren’t you pissed?!”

The ground around Raine’s feet glowed faintly—a glyph?—and she said, as serenely as if discussing the weather, “Ray.”

Every vein in his body flooded with fire, burning from the inside out.Needles tore his skin apart and put it back the wrong way; his scalp was torn from his skull and his head throbbed and his heart constricted in his chest.Zelos writhed in pain, his lips split and throat hoarse from screaming.

It was over in seconds.

Zelos gasped, taking in a haggard breath.He was on the floor now, a pool of blood beginning to form on the glass floor beneath him.He’d dropped his sword.He reached for it, dragging it toward him, but it would be too heavy to lift.

Unsteadily, he braced his left hand against the floor, choking on a mixture of spit and blood.His whole body protested against the motion.His hand trembled, every breath raking through his lungs and sending pain shooting through his torso, but he still pushed himself to his knees.

And from his knees, to his feet.

He wobbled back and forth, his right leg numb and his left shaking, but he wasn’t fucking dead yet and was that really so big a thing to ask of these people?Holy Martel.You’d think he was their friend or something.

“O-okay,” he said faintly.“That was pretty. . . pretty good.”

One leg and then the other.Stagger forward, come on.He could stand without collapsing, so he wasn’t far enough gone—and where the hell was—

“Zelos.”

Lloyd.

He blinked away the fog in his eyes, searching for a bright red coat and a mess of brown hair.There was suddenly nothing he wanted more than to see Lloyd, to touch him, to know that he was there and that at least if Zelos was going to die here in this godforsaken tower, he at least would not be alone.

Lloyd approached him, his features going in and out of focus as he came at a walk and then a run.“Zelos!” he said again.His voice was hollow, and echoed as if from a great distance.

“Hey, hun,” Zelos greeted, taking a single step forward.

Then he was on the floor, his head throbbing viciously and the green of the Tower’s walls swimming before his eyes.Lloyd was there too—crouched over him, still as desperate as he’d been not moments before.His fingers stroked Zelos’s face, his chest—so gently that Zelos could barely feel them.

“You’re not going to die,” Lloyd told him immediately.“I won’t let it happen!Raine!” he shrieked over his shoulder, the words strained.

Zelos snatched Lloyd’s hand—his left arm was still good for something.“D-don’t worry about it,” he said.“My sword… over there.Grab it for me, will ya?Just—”

“If you’re gonna ask me to stab you with it, I’m not going to!”

He wanted to snicker.He tried, but it came out as a disgusting gurgle and a choke.“Yeah, that. . . doesn’ surprise me.C’mon, it’s like, my last request, or somethin’.”

“You don’t get a last request,” Lloyd insisted, “because you’re not gonna die!”

“Lloyd,” Raine said sternly.

“Hey hey, it’s all good!”Zelos tried to squeeze his hand; he wasn’t sure it worked.“Honest to all gods, I was getting tired of this life anyway.”

“Don’t talk like that!”

Talk like what?The truth?Wasn’t that what they wanted? 

“I’ll talk how I fuckin’ want,” he said.“Look, Lloyd, there’s… there’s somethin’ I gotta tell you.”

“What?!”

“Colette. . . she’s downstairs.Hall of the Seed.”His words came faster now even as Lloyd began to fade from sight, though his hand remained twined in Zelos’s.“M-make sure you destroy my damn Cruxis crystal.Make something up to tell Seles, or tell her the truth, I dunno, you’ll think of something.”

“Tell her yourself!” Lloyd said in a strained voice.“Zelos, I-I don’t know what I did to make you hate us, hate me, this much, but—”

He choked again, giving Lloyd his best incredulous expression.There was no way of knowing how it came out—some kind of contorted monstrosity, probably, but that was a pretty good representation of what Zelos was to begin with.“Hate?” he said.“Lloyd, bud, you got it all wrong.I could never hate you.”

“What?”

“You’re so gods-all-damned naïve,” Zelos muttered.“For fuckin’ months now, you idiot.I love you.”

He didn’t get the chance to hear Lloyd’s response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway guess what you guys: this fic tops 60k words and i'm going to post fucking all of it at various times so i sure hope you stick with me through to the end
> 
> i would LOVE your support by commenting, kudosing, or simply [strapping your friends to a chair](http://aliengeometries.tumblr.com/post/156870832351) and threatening them with bodily harm if they don't read. thanks and i hope to see you again soon
> 
> **acknowledgements**
> 
> i would be super remiss if i didn't talk about jeredu's [amazingly painful comic](http://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/32858846218/warning-not-for-the-faint-of-heart-spoilers) that was actually the whole inspiration for this fic. i saw it during freshman year right after i finished the game and it killed me. i literally died. jeredu, i've never spoken to you once but i owe you this whole fic so congratulations and i apologize for dragging your old artwork back into the open


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Zelos had not expected much from death.

Cruxis preached that death was the climax of the ultimate journey, and that dying—especially away from home—was holy in the eyes of Martel.In Meltokio they had lavish burial rites for even the poorest of souls.Zelos had been asked to perform impromptu funerals in the slums more times than he cared to remember, and he knew the poetry of them by heart.They were pretty words, comforting to grieving loved ones or to those on their way out, but any power that they held was purely superficial.Zelos knew what magic was; those words had none.

Despite all that, even Cruxis could not tell what the afterlife really was—as far as they were concerned, it didn’t exist.Saints and Chosens would become angels if they were particularly notable and spend the rest of their lives with Martel, but Zelos knew all about the lies behind that piece of crap.No afterlife at all was just as well: eternal blackness, a never-ending void of thought and sensation, would be a-okay with him so long as that void was truly all-encompassing.That was the important part, more important than his honor or soul or glorification of his end.Never having to be conscious.Never having to feel.

But honestly? 

Being dead felt a whole like he’d been fucking crushed.

Zelos refused to open his eyes.This was his lot, and while it was disappointing to be sentient for it, he could accept that eternal pain was what he was in for.It was what he deserved, after all; you really couldn’t be picky with stuff like this, and since he didn’t seem to be burning alive yet he was more than inclined to count his blessings.

(Yet being the operative word—very faintly, so much so that he might be imagining it, hung the dense, sweet scent of smoke in his nostrils.)

He ached all over.His arms and legs were sore as hell, and his chest felt like it’d been snapped in half a few times—vaguely he could remember Genis dropping a rock on it, but Genis had dropped so many rocks on him over the months that he could’ve been thinking of something else entirely.His ribs must be broken at the very least, but with his luck, that was probably the best thing that’d happened to him all day.

Neither arm moved when he tried to check the damage—his left because it was tied somewhere over his head, and his right because it shot pain down his shoulder and chest if he so much as jostled it.He gasped and grit his teeth; he would not be trying that again any time soon.

Gasping, of course, led him to the conclusion that he could breathe.

Breathing in the afterlife was something he was kind of shaky on.He was already in pain and had some kind of control over his own limbs, so breathing was honestly the next logical step.But somehow it was more difficult to believe that than to believe anything else.

Several minutes after waking—assuming you could really be awake when you were dead—he noticed other things about the afterlife. 

First, that it was freezing.No surprise there; he loathed the cold, so obviously his own personal hell would be cold.He could’ve guessed that one.Whoever was in charge of coming up with this shit really wasn’t clever.

Second was that whatever he was lying on—and he was lying on something; he tried to move his head and, when nausea hit him, let it fall back where it had been—was rough, and not particularly comfortable.Also unsurprising.He wouldn’t have expected Altamira conditions in even the afterlife’s most expensive five-star hotel, much less whatever shithole he’d ended up in. 

And third: that the smell of smoke had grown stronger, and reeked faintly of the sweet, spicy odor that he belatedly named incense. 

Incense was something he really hadn’t expected.

Beyond the fact that he loathed incense for being too strong and too grating, this raised questions he had been trying his damndest not to think about.His throat grew hollow as he realized that maybe he was awake after all—really, truly awake.As in, he’d had one goal—enter the Tower and never leave—and he had failed?

Gods, that would be pathetic.Good thing he was dead.

He still hadn’t opened his eyes.He really did not want to.

Wood grated harshly against wood not far from where he lay.The sound was loud and rough, and ended in a thunk of something sliding into place.The throbbing in his head grew worse, as if someone had driven a knife into his skull, twisted it around a bit, and yanked out his brain to boot.Worse than that, there was light now, that lit up the backs of his eyelids bright red.

There was a brief pause, and murmurs in a language he didn’t speak—Sheena’s language?They sounded similar, at the very least.Then the wood grated again, and the light faded away.

Eventually curiosity got the better of him, and he opened his eyes.

The joke was that he may as well not have, because there sure wasn’t much to see.The room could have fit twice inside of his bathroom, maybe four times: it was perhaps slightly wider and longer than he was tall, and made entirely of wood.Given the smoke, this was not comforting.A dull tapestry—dirty white, emblazoned with the symbol of Mizuho—hung on the wall opposite for insulation, and just above where he lay was a long, narrow window too small to be worth anything.He couldn’t even tell what time of day it was, although it pretty definitely was day.

As for himself, the best he could make out was that he’d been left on a pallet shoved to the side, with one hand chained somewhere above his head—the skin burned when he pulled away.

So much for being dead.

He hadn’t connected emotionally to the situation yet, so his logical reasoning was still intact.Despite this, he couldn’t think of a single fucking reason he should be trussed up in Mizuho after dying in the Tower.By all rights if he was still alive he should have been with Lloyd in that dwarf’s cave—or with Cruxis, waiting for an overgrown brat to give him his next orders.Neither one of these things was happening, but. . . .

But there could have been no one else.

If it hadn’t been difficult to breathe with broken ribs before, that effort was suddenly doubled. There could have been no one else, he had made for damn sure of that, and if the severe ache in his chest was anything to go by, he shouldn’t even be here without some kind of divine fucking intervention.Yggdrasill for sure for sure didn’t put too much stock in his well-being, so it had to have been Lloyd.

Zelos didn’t even know what had happened—how much time had passed, what had happened in the interim.His memories of the fight were hazy and vague; he had handed Colette off to Mithos, he knew, but there was no way of knowing if Lloyd had rescued her or if the rest of the party had survived, or gods, if even Colette had survived. 

And if she hadn’t, then Zelos had been the one to send her to her death.

Guilt knotted in his stomach, clawing at his chest with more ferocity than the wounds.Trading her life for his own, it was reprehensible.Unforgivable.The fact that he even breathed right now was far kinder than he deserved, and if he was sticking around in a world where she’d gone to her doom. . . .

He’d always known life was fucked up, but this was something else entirely.

* * *

Lanterns lit the border and some of the streets, giving the Hidden Village a ghastly glow in the depths of Gaoracchia Forest, one that could be seen only from above.  The mountain not far off was a looming mass of black, obscuring the stars and moon where it stood; even had they been visible, the shapes they formed were too disorganized to navigate.  Straining to keep his eyes open against exhaustion, Lloyd had to rely on the trailing lights of Raine’s rheaird to have the first idea of where to go.

Behind him, Colette’s head rested on his back, her arms firm around his waist. Her chest rose and fell rhythmically with her breathing, pressing into his back almost too subtle to catch.In the wake of everything that had happened at Derris-Kharlan, the reassurance that they were here, that they were alive, meant more than the world.

Lloyd felt as if he’d been running about in a dream the last few days, his thoughts watery and easy to lose, his actions controlled by someone far away.Colette’s warmth was the most connected to anything he had felt in what seemed like forever; she was real. Mizuho’s sloping roofs and shinobi warriors were not.

The sky was black when they staggered into the village.

Landing was a haze of activity he only half paid attention to.A jolt as they reached the ground, the commotion of late-night villagers swarming to meet them.Lights flickered in every direction, too dim to illuminate anything but too bright to gaze at for long.Hands were everywhere, reaching out to help them down, to carry their things.People talked and shouted in two or three languages, and even the familiar tongues were difficult to focus on. 

When they tried to lead Colette away, Lloyd wouldn’t let them.He took her hand to underscore his point.Her hands were dry, but warm, and her grasp firm. She smiled softly at him when he glanced at her.He thought he smiled back, but he couldn’t be sure.

Every so often he’d catch a question, spoken loudly nearby.Is everyone alright?Is Yggdrasill defeated?Was the journey kind?Do you need supplies?They went in one ear and out the other.He umm’d and I don’t know’d his way through the crowd, Colette close at his side.He walked in whatever direction she guided him, wondering absently where, exactly, they were going, but not really caring as long as it was somewhere he could lay down.

There were glimpses, too, of his friends through the crowd.Regal, who towered over the heads of everyone else present, and Presea, whose axe granted her a wide berth.At some point he saw Raine and Genis, their silver hair glinting in the lantern light—it helped that Raine was incredibly tall, and her stave taller—and somewhere there might have been Sheena, speaking to extremely official-looking people in extremely official-looking pajamas.

If Colette was leading him somewhere specific, he definitely couldn’t tell.They seemed to be jostled around by the crowd, changing direction only when the lanterns glared too brightly or walls loomed before them.He grew used to limbs pushing against his.

A hand landed on his shoulder.Lloyd jumped and turned faster than he thought he was capable of, tearing his grasp from Colette’s and going for his blade. 

“Lloyd!” Colette said, with some exasperation.

The shadow towered over him like the mountain at their backs, a void where there was no light or noise.But this silhouette glowed faintly in thelight; a head of messy hair at its tip, its clothing lined in violet and gold, the shape distinctly familiar.

“At ease,” Kratos said gently, his voice low and calm in the chaos.

Lloyd did his best.He let the sword rest and stood up properly, but he couldn’t restrain his agitation.“Sorry about that,” he apologized.

“You did no harm,” Kratos replied.“It is late; you both should sleep.”

“I’m not tired,” Lloyd protested.It was only half a lie—true, he could think of nothing better than lying down.But he doubted he would be able to sleep even with all the potions in both worlds.

One world, now.

“Yes, you are,” said Kratos.

“Yes, you are!” Colette said at the same time.

“You are only too tired to know it,” Kratos went on.

Lloyd frowned, doing his best to understand the statement.He concluded, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Colette took his hand again and squeezed it.Her expression was not the sternest she’d ever been, but it did come awfully close.“He’s right,” she said, “and I’m tired, anyway.”

“The shinobi have set aside rooms for you all,” said Kratos.“Had you been paying attention, you would have known that.”

Lloyd glanced between the two of them—Colette’s imploring gaze, and Kratos’s firm one.His eyes seemed to slide off of each in turn, unable to focus on either.There was no way he would come out on top in this situation, he realized with disappointment.

“I don’t have a choice here, do I,” he asked, his shoulders slumping a little.

Colette shook her head; Kratos made a noncommittal grunt.

“Okay,” Lloyd said, “then let’s go.”

Kratos led them through winding streets, some wide but most narrow, until they came to a larger house somewhere near the center.An old woman let them in; Lloyd saw Presea with Regal, who nodded at him politely.Presea only stared. 

It was her way of expressing affection. 

There were two rooms they were shown, each small and identical to the other, but with beds more comfortable than Lloyd had seen in what felt like years.A basin in a stand held cold water, and nondescript night clothes sat on a stool.

He couldn’t remember dropping his bag on the floor, washing, or changing, but sometime later he had, and found himself sitting on the foot of the bed, gazing at the moon through the window with only his swords and a flickering candle for company.

It was strangely warm for so early in the season.The air was faintly humid, carrying the promise of rain somewhere beyond the mountains.A subtle edge laced it that reminded Lloyd of Sheena; the scent always hung on her clothes and her hair, and he could taste it whenever she cooked. 

The noise, though, had faded.The commotion they’d waded through to get to this point was on the other side of the village, and now it was quiet enough that he could’ve easily slept, assuming he could quiet his thoughts long enough to try.

For all that he was exhausted—a deep, immersive fatigue that dragged his limbs and eyelids down and made even the smallest motion impossible—his brain didn’t seem quite aware of it.The events of the last few days turned over and over in his head in a blur; losing Colette, finding Colette, fighting Zelos, losing Zelos, losing everyone else and finding them again , the fight with Kratos and saving Kratos and losing Colette and fighting Mithos two or three times and losing Colette—

He had thought that they were finished so many times, that surely this was the last fight, the last death, the last time fear and desperation would occupy his every waking moment.It was difficult to believe that this time, it really was over.It certainly didn’t feel that way—where there should have been joy, or at least relief, there was only the sickening apprehension of having forgotten something that would soon destroy all of the safety they’d managed to find.

Lloyd summoned all his strength and climbed out of bed, fumbling in the dim light for one of his swords.Grasping it firmly, he slid out of the room and over to Colette’s next door. 

He was about to open it before he remembered about knocking.Rapping his knuckles softly against the wooden frame, he cringed at how far the noise carried.

There was a quiet “come in!”, so he went in.

Colette knelt by a stool where she had set up a makeshift altar, using a few of her amulets and a thick candle.Her hands were folded together, her eyes closed; she murmured something very softly in Angelic, and made a circular gesture across her chest. 

“I told him I wasn’t tired,” Lloyd said when she finished, only a little bitter.Kratos had meant well.

Colette rolled her eyes and sat back, hugging her knees to her chest.One side of her mouth turned up in a grin.“Me either,” she confided quietly.“I feel like I’ve slept a lot lately, and also not at all.”

“Exactly!” 

Lloyd slid the door closed and leaned his sword against the wall, just within his reach.Then he crossed his legs and sat beside her.“It’s like,” he started, words beginning to pour out, “I got so used to not sleeping that being able to sleep is weird!—wait,” he realized.“Then why did you say you were earlier?”

It wasn’t like Colette to lie. 

She shrugged, more with one shoulder than the other.“I thought you could use the rest,” she said.“And I wanted to sit down.”

He wrinkled his nose.“So you tricked me!”

“For your own good!You shouldn’t be such a hero,” she chided gently, pushing his knee with her foot.“We both need the rest, we’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

He scratched his head, grinning despite himself.She was right for sure, and he couldn’t blame her for her little trick—it wasn’t like he hadn’t done the same to her.

Colette twisted a strand of hair around her finger.“So I figured, if you were going to go to sleep, I could at least sit here and meditate and pray that I’d fall asleep at the altar again.I used to do that all the time as a little girl, anyway.”

“Me too,” Lloyd said, remembering the services in Iselia almost fondly.“As a little boy, though.And a not-so-little boy.Actually, I still do,” he realized, as a real smile cracked across Colette’s face.“Or I think I probably would, if I actually sat down at one.Don’t laugh!It’s hard when you don’t know what anyone’s saying!”

Services in Iselia had been conducted in Sylvaranti, so as a child Lloyd actually had been able to understand the words—it was more difficult to puzzle out the meanings behind them.He realized now that the inconsistencies were due to the convolutions of Mithos’s story, but little him hadn’t known that.

“I forgive you,” Colette promised, reaching out to pat his knee.“I don’t even have that excuse.”

“I guess it’s okay, anyway,” he went on, watching Colette’s candle flicker back and forth.“It seems kinda weird to me, to pray to people that we’ve . . . well, that we’ve met and fought, and killed, and brought back, and turned into giant trees. . . .”

Lloyd’s voice trailed off, frowning at the thought.He had never been particularly invested in the Church of Martel: it didn’t have much to do with Dwarven legends, and like he had told Colette, he hadn’t been able to understand most of the sermons anyway.But he had never questioned its vitality and truth—after all, Colette was right there, and he had seen the angels, and the goddess Martel herself, and it was strange to think that all of that didn’t exist as he had been taught it had.He couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Colette, whose smile slowly disappeared as she gazed, solemnly, at her fingers. 

“There are other gods,” she said eventually, though Lloyd suspected that maybe she was trying to reassure herself of the truth of her own words.“Ones that we haven’t met, and ones we haven’t heard of.I’m sure there’s someone out there that’s the real deal.I mean, someone had to make the summon spirits, after all.”

She turned to look at him; her expression was hesitant and questioning.He smiled.

“I guess that’s true!” he assured her, but he felt just as confused as she seemed.

“Anyway, it’s better to be wondering about this than whether or not we’re gonna be alive tomorrow,” Lloyd said after a minute, shrugging with one shoulder.“I dunno about you, but I’m okay with that change.”

And he was.He was still having trouble convincing himself that he didn’t have to worry—but he was certain that once he did, it would be a relief.It was easier to believe that everything would work out when Colette was there.It was something about her presence, about her smile and

Colette wrinkled her nose—a harsh look on her delicate face, but it was to keep from smiling.“Lloyd!” she shrieked.

“Come on!You can’t argue with that!”

“No, but it’s not very philosophical of you!”

He rolled his eyes before laying on the floor, sprawling out beside her.“I don’t wanna be philosophical anymore,” he confessed.“It gives me a headache, an’ I’m done with it.”

“That’s too bad, ‘cause you’re good at it when you put your mind to it,” she said.“And . . . .”

She trailed off, looking at the wall instead of at him.The expression struck him as familiar somehow, though he couldn’t place it.He followed her gaze, but there wasn’t anything notable about that spot in particular.

“What?” Lloyd asked.

She shook her head.“I don’t think philosophy is anywhere near leaving us alone,” she said.“The whole gods thing. . . . it just proves that.I still have a lot of questions, and I don’t know how many of them have answers.”

He wanted to lecture her about spending too much time thinking, especially late at night, but that would have been way too hypocritical.

“Well,” he replied, “we’d better find someone to ask!”

It was mostly a joke, a shot at making her feel better.But Colette’s expression did not change.She merely looked at him with her brow furrowed and the corners of her mouth turned down.

It only confirmed what he had been trying not to think about for the last couple of days: saving Tethe’alla and Sylvarant, uniting the worlds—it hadn’t ended their journey. 

* * *

The door slid open, grating on its wooden track with an intensity that killed Zelos’s ears, and then slid shut again, leaving him in the dim light of the cell with a visitor.  A pair of white leather boots appeared in the corner of his eye, the rest of his vision occupied by dull, burnt orange cloth, lined in simple black with delicate embroidery.

Raine Sage stared down her nose at him.At least, there was a good chance she was staring down her nose, since that was how she usually looked at him.The dim light, the angle, and his headache made it difficult to look at her properly; disappointing, since he was in the perfect position to see up her scholar’s robe.Her staff hung in the crook of her arm, its tip just glinting in the light from the window.

She said nothing.Her disapproval was evident.

While Zelos appreciated not being immediately read the riot act, it was distinctly uncomfortable to be lying prone before Raine Sage.He didn’t have a whole lot of confidence she would let him off with a warning.Though, perhaps if he got exponentially fucking lucky, she would finish the job here and be done with it.

He quelled any fear he had—

(that made his heart race and weighed down his chest and threatened to choke him and gods why couldn’t she have left well enough alone, he was more than content to rot here swallowing cough medicine for eternity if it only meant he didn’t have to deal with the anguish and the disappointment and the hatred)

and swallowed before saying, with his old charm, “This is a new position for us.”

His voice was rough, hoarse, thick in his ears—a careful, if imperfect, imitation of his typical fecklessness.Pretty good, given the circumstances.

“How long?” she demanded, her voice cold.

“Six or seven inches, if I remember correctly.”

The part of himself that had some degree of intelligence and self-respect told him to shut up.The part of himself that no longer gave a damn told the first part to fuck off.

“Not your dick,” Raine said.Shortly.Severely.If she had taken any of his bullshit when they were allies, she would certainly have none of it now.“How long have you been reporting on us?”

The last thing Zelos wanted to think about was that.

He remembered all too well the late nights spent scrawling reports in the corners of taverns, of dropping them specifically for employers to find and crossing his fingers that Lloyd wouldn’t find them instead.Of listening to their disgustingly optimistic conversations, knowing they were headed for a trap.Of leading them to their graves, over and over again, failing only because he underestimated their power.He stared pointedly at the corner of the room, and did not speak.

“I won’t ask again.”

When he still didn’t reply Raine stepped on his side, the heel of her boot digging into his ribs.The pain increased tenfold; he tried to curse in surprise, but ended up gasping like a fish instead, unable to writhe away from the pressure.As if he wasn’t humiliated enough already.

“I said, how long?”

She removed her foot; he coughed, but the ache didn’t leave, and it hurt worse than ever to breathe.“Thought you weren’t gonna ask again,” he muttered. 

In the corner of his eye he saw her foot go up again.

Gods, he was pathetic.But there wasn’t a reason to deny anything, at this point.

“Months,” he said quickly, “since the beginning.Since before the beginning,” he added, but didn’t finish the thought.There was no way, even when he did eventually end up in hell, that he would confess to having spied on Sheena, too.

“Just to Cruxis?”

“Didn’t we have this conversation?” he demanded coarsely. Through the window, the light was changing; golden light that signified evening.“I think it ended with you, I dunno, killing me.”

“You aren’t dead,” she spat, loudly enough to set his head off again, “and it wasn’t a conversation so much as the ramblings of suicidal maniac.Forgive me if I want a little clarification.”

He didn’t reply to that, instead glaring at the ceiling.Old beams ran across it, supporting the stones and planks of the floor above.A spot prickled in the corner of a beam that may have been a spider, but could also have been pain playing tricks on his eyes.

The issue was that she wasn’t wrong. What little he could remember of that day at the Tower was a hazy mix of shouting, the glint of metal, and Lloyd’s horrified face in sharp relief.They hadn’t sat down to tea and discussed the details of his betrayal.They had been rather pressed for time.

Raine shifted again.Before she could do anything, Zelos said, “Not just Cruxis.”

She exhaled sharply.“Who else?”

“That blue half-elf.Yuan was his name, I think?With his Renegades?And the Pope for a little while, but that didn’t gel with me so much.”

“I’m thrilled to hear you had some amount of conscience,” Raine said, voice dry as sand.

“Oh, trust me, it wasn’t out of goodwill,” he replied.“I just had to sell you guys out to every bastard that would pay me enough.It’s part of my chaotic evil nature.Cause as much damage as possible and go out in a blaze of glory, that’s me!”

Raine _thunk_ ed the butt of her staff on the ground.“Your obnoxious nature is what landed you in this position in the first place.I’m not going to speak to you if you’re going to behave like a child, and neither will anyone else.”

She was bluffing.She _had_ to be bluffing.There was a good deal more he could tell them, and surely even Raine wasn’t cruel enough to leave a guy rotting in solitude and silence.

“Oh, come on,” Zelos taunted.“I’ve still got plenty of secrets up my ass if you’d be so kind as to look.”

That was the wrong thing to say.

Pain once again shot up his side and arm as her staff came into contact with his ribs.Zelos choked and cringed as best he could, but more distressing than the pain was the sight of her burnt orange robes fading from his vision and the sound of the cell door sliding shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love getting to wax lyrical on how i think culture works in sylvarant & tethe'alla. i take pretty much every opportunity i can to do so without being obnoxious.
> 
> anyway, this is a MUCH more realistic example of how long the chapters are going to be. i think there are a few times where i hit 6k, but some will be as short as 3k. instead of splitting it at a certain length, like i've done in other fics, i'm splitting it where the plot naturally ebbs and flows. i tore a lot of hair out trying to placate my need for all the chapters to be the same length.
> 
> thanks for reading! remember to like subscribe and comment for more videos and tune in next week!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raine sage is in this one (love her)

Out of everything Lloyd had expected success to be, boring hadn’t been on the list.

Mizuho was in that strange time of year where standing in the sun would burn through your clothes, but nothing could protect you from the chill of the shade.So far the most interesting thing to do was jump back and forth between the porch and the light in the street, hoping to achieve some kind of happy medium; Lloyd hadn’t made it work yet, but the activity was better than sitting still.

He’d spent the morning wandering around.He’d seen a lot of villagers who recognized and greeted him, which was nice until they started asking questions he didn’t know how to answer.Sheena had been stuck in meetings in the center of the village all day, and as far as he knew so had Raine.He had spoken with Presea and Regal for a few hours, until Genis interrupted; Colette was still asleep, and he hadn’t seen Kratos at all.

Which left Lloyd alone with his thoughts.He exhausted the topics of Yggdrasill and the newly united world the night before; he had too many questions for those, and not a single answer to be found. 

But he had not even begun to think about Zelos.

For the most part, Lloyd had tried not to.The mere consideration of Zelos’s name—which had once conjured images of flashing teeth and crimson locks, and now held only a sword and despair—made his stomach turn unpleasantly.It was difficult to accept that Zelos had been working against them for the last six months.Zelos had let slip so much about his life and the relationships he didn’t seem to have, and Lloyd had thought that it was indicative of him finally letting someone else into the realm he kept so closely guarded.They were friends, Lloyd thought; good friends, even close.Now, he couldn’t be so sure.

And yet.

Lloyd paused, one foot in the shadow and one in the sun, which glinted off the back of his key crest with a golden sheen. 

Zelos was a good liar when he had a hold of himself.His unreliable, playboy bravado had even convinced Lloyd for the first couple of months they’d known each other.But their conversations—at his dad’s house, in Sybak, in the Temple of Darkness, even in the short time they’d talked that night at Flanoir—didn’t fit into Zelos’s puzzle.The casual attitude with which he lied made his rare moments of sincerity even more distinct.

At Dirk’s house Zelos had told him that the life of a Chosen wasn’t all it was cracked up to be—something Lloyd had already known, after Colette, but hadn’t thought about in regard to Zelos.It had been a tiny glimpse into a part of Zelos that wasn’t constructed, and it had confused the hell out of Lloyd, particularly when Zelos turned around and passed it off as a joke.It was no joke, he was sure of that much.But Lloyd could tell that he was missing something that would make the whole scenario make sense.

Lloyd curled his fingers into a fist and stretched them out again, watching the glint around the rim of the key crest and the shine of the exsphere.Both were warm, though whether from the sun or from the nature of the objects, he didn’t know.

He didn’t think Zelos had been lying at the Tower of Salvation.He couldn’t think of a reason to do so, especially if Zelos had wanted to get out alive.Like he had been back in Iselia, Lloyd was missing something, a crucial piece of information that would make it all make sense.

But he had no idea what it could be.

He anxiously rocked back and forth on his heels, wishing he had someone else to consult about this.Sheena, maybe, who’d known Zelos for longer than he had.Or Colette, who had faith in everyone.He thought about asking Genis, who was far smarter than he was anyway, but quickly dismissed the idea—Genis had never really liked Zelos to begin with, and he certainly wouldn’t after the last week.Raine would be similar; it had taken a great deal of effort to keep her from killing Zelos on the spot, not to speak of healing him.Regal and Presea. . . .

Lloyd got the feeling that there weren’t a lot of people who knew Zelos quite as well as he did, especially since he felt that he didn’t really know Zelos at all.

Then it struck him.

Zelos was right here, in Mizuho. 

Lloyd could ask Zelos himself.

* * *

By the time he reached the meeting hall Raine was stepping out, pulling her robe more tightly around her shoulders.  Lloyd waved, clearing the distance between them in only a couple of steps.  “How’s it going?” he called.

Raine took a deep breath—her shoulders sagged; had she always looked this tired?“Meetings,” she said bitterly, her mouth pulled into a grimace.“Mainly about the current state of the world. Be glad they’re not asking you to be there, you’d be bored to tears.”

“Oh, yeah,” he agreed.“I’m glad I’m not there, then!”

She began walk away, back into the village.Lloyd reluctantly followed, though he still hung back. For a second, he considered skipping Raine entirely and running in to see Zelos himself—the door was right there, and it wasn’t locked, and the guards would surely let him in. . . .

“Everything alright, Lloyd?”

He jumped; Raine was looking back at him, her head tilted just so in the way she did when she was thinking.“Sorry?”

“I asked if everything was alright,” she said.“How are you feeling?”

“Oh.I’m good,” he assured her—and then grinned, flashing a double thumbs-up.“Right as rain!”

She sighed deeply and rolled her eyes.“Did you have a question or were you just going to loiter outside the city council all day making terrible jokes?”

“I didn’t think it was terrible!”

“It was terrible,” she confirmed.

He rolled his eyes—some people just didn’t appreciate good jokes.But he had come here for a reason.

Lloyd tapped his finger against his thigh and said, before nerves could get to him, “I came to see Zelos, actually.”

Raine pursed her lips, her eyes narrow and piercing.It was the same look she gave him when he lied about completing his homework, though in this context, it was somehow more nerve-wracking. 

But Lloyd had suffered under that gaze for years.He could hold his own.Drawing himself up to his full height—which was still just short of hers, gods all damn—he met her eyes, daring her to look away first.

“I don’t know,” she said at at last.“I don’t think it’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?”

She crossed her arms defiantly, her staff hanging in the crook of her elbow.“I don’t trust him.”

“To what?” Lloyd asked. “We left him all beat up, it’s not like he’s gonna do anything!”And he probably hadn’t had visitors since they’d left him—Zelos would think they had abandoned him, that they were angry and bitter—and while, yes, those things were true, Lloyd wasn’t comfortable with it.

“He could say something,” Raine said after a pause, her eyes still narrowed. 

“Isn’t that what we want?” Lloyd pointed out.

“Yes, Lloyd, but—” she exhaled sharply, closing her eyes.Then her arms relaxed; she grasped her staff with two hands, leaning on it for support, and suddenly seemed much older than she was.“I don’t want him to say anything to you.After what happened at the Tower. . . .”She held his gaze, letting her words trail off to make her point.Her eyes were gentle, the corner of her mouth turned down in a concerned frown.

The Tower.

_You idiot.I love you._

His limbs felt far too heavy.Out of everything he tried not to think about, he tried not to think about Zelos’s last words the most.He’d never considered it before, but once the topic had been broached he found himself turning the idea over and over in his head.Him and Zelos, and love.It was a new combination, and unfamiliar. . . but not unpleasant.

Zelos’s actions threw all that up in the air.

“I know you and Zelos were close,” Raine said, “and his betrayal hurt us all, most of all you.But you have to understand, Lloyd.If he really loved you—”

“It’s not about that,” Lloyd began to protest, but Raine kept speaking.

“—he wouldn’t have tried to manipulate you like that,” she finished shortly.

He took a deep breath, bouncing on his toes a couple of times.This conversation would be so much easier if they were walking, instead of standing in the middle of the village with shinobi milling about.“You think I don’t know that?” he said, doing his best to keep his voice even.Raine meant well, she really did.All she’d ever done was try to protect them, and he couldn’t fault her for that.“That’s why I wanna go see him.I wanna know what he was thinking, and—and if—”

“And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t,” Raine interrupted.“I don’t trust him not to lie to you again, or not to hurt you if he tells the truth.”

“Shouldn’t he at least get a chance to do the right thing?”

Her voice dropped, her reply quieter.“You don’t need to feel sorry for him,” she said—and then her tone was strained.“He had so many chances to come clean.He made his choice, Lloyd, and you need to understand that no matter what he said, he didn’t choose you.”

It wasn’t that simple, Lloyd thought; it couldn’t be that simple.After everything they’d been through, everything Lloyd had seen from Zelos, he couldn’t believe that he wasn’t a good person somewhere inside.And good people made mistakes—sometimes they made serious mistakes.Hadn’t they learned that so many times already? 

“I know,” Lloyd assured her.He licked his lips and pressed them together, trying to articulate his thoughts.“But I still don’t think it makes any sense!Cruxis isn’t around anymore, Professor.It’s not like he can betray us again, and I know Zelos.He’s a shitty liar when I know what I’m looking for.”

“Language.”

“Professor!”

She tsked in disappointment, falling back into the rhythm that was so familiar for the two of them—but she did not seem amused.“What I’m trying to make you understand is that you don’t know Zelos as well as you thought you did—none of us does.We can’t predict what he’ll do, and until I have some idea of what to expect, I don’t want you two seeing each other.”

“I know where he is, you can’t just stop me from going to find him,” he said, agitated. 

“I forbid it,” she replied with a stern look, standing taller and staring down at him.“And I may not be able to stop you, but I can inform the shinobi not to let you anywhere near the premises, should it become necessary.I hope that it won’t,” she added.

Raine was hinting strongly.It was evident in her posture, her tone.Lloyd elected to ignore it.

He chewed the inside of his lip, glaring back.But even with his copious experience, this was a battle he could not win.

“Fine,” he said, “it won’t.”

Raine visibly relaxed, her shoulders losing some of their tension and her stern look fading away.“Good,” she breathed.“I know how difficult this is for you.”

“I mean, I’m not happy about it.”

“I’m not asking you to be.I’ll see you at dinner.”

She smiled at him before walking away, but it did not reach her eyes.He waited just long enough to be sure that she was gone and would not look back before heading into the building in the middle of the square.

* * *

Most people in Mizuho knew them by now, even if they didn’t know how, or all the details of what had happened in the last few weeks.  The few shinobi that Lloyd came across on his way inside did not look at him twice.  Even when he slipped through the halls, ducking around corners as he searched for the stairs to the lower floor—a high-security area, they’d been promised—he wasn’t stopped.

His memories from last week were fuzzy at best.He remembered how sickeningly easy it was to shove a blade through Zelos’s abdomen, and how pale he’d been as he collapsed to the floor of the Tower.He remembered frantically digging for life bottles and begging Raine to do something, anything—what’d he’d said to convince her was lost, but Raine had conceded, and they had dragged Zelos’s inert body to the only place they could trust to keep an eye on him.

Blinded by exhaustion and emotional exertion, it had been an ordeal to even leave the Tower alive, much less take care of Zelos and leave for Heimdall within hours.Lloyd had been so distracted by everything that he remembered being able to think of nothing at all, and he almost longed for that kind of ignorance as apprehension built in his chest.

The village center was the hub of all the important decision-making and government things that happened Mizuho.Sheena lived in the upper floors along with other officials when she wasn’t traveling with the rest of them, and holding cells were in the lower levels. 

He wouldn’t have thought so if he didn’t already know.Sheena’s people were good at making things look both functional and pretty; the halls were simply laid out, made of old wood—slightly scuffed, but still good—with rich tapestries handing from the walls.Soft blue and green paper lined the doors, and bright reed mats the floor.The corridors were wide enough for three people to walk across comfortably, and the ceilings at just the right height.

He navigated around several shinobi on their own business and eventually found the stairs to the basement.As he went lower, the walls became reinforced with stone that peeked through every so often, and the sliding doors with steel.It was not nearly so well-lit as the upper floors; only gas lamps every few feet, and whatever meager sunlight could make it through the cells.It was chilly too, the vestiges of winter not yet gone from the earth.Lloyd was grateful for his coat.

If his memory was right, Zelos was at the end of the hall. 

A guard was posted outside of the room in question; she sat cross-legged on the ground, playing with a bit of string wound round her fingers.He couldn’t see any kind of weapon on her, but if Sheena was anything to go by, that meant a little less than nothing.

Lloyd stopped beside her and tapped his foot, waiting for her to notice him. She didn’t look up until he cleared his throat.An eyebrow cocked, she said, “You lost, kid?”

“I’m not,” he promised.“I wanted to see Zelos.”

“The Chosen?”

“Yeah, that’s him!”

“Name?”She put away her string and stood, dark eyes searching.She was shorter than he was, and her nose was extremely pointy—the kind of nose that people usually tried to look down from.

Lloyd had to try hard to resist the urge to squirm.If he gave the guard his name, she might tell Raine he had been here—or worse, she might not let him in.On the other hand, if he didn’t give her the right name, she would eventually figure out that he wasn’t who he said he was, and Raine would find out anyway.Also, he’d have to think of a new name. 

He had to buy more time.

“Zelos,” he said again.“The Chosen.”

She blinked, unimpressed.“Your name.”

And there went his extra time—still no false name, and it would be suspicious if he took any longer than this.“Oh,” he said.Maybe, if he got extremely lucky, he’d be okay.“It’s Lloyd.”

“I’m not supposed to let you in.”

Lloyd’s heart sank.So Raine had said something already, before she’d even known he would come.It wasn’t as if he was asking much!He just needed to know that Zelos was okay.“I just wanna talk to him for a few minutes, that’s all,” he pleaded.

The guard remained aloof. “I can’t imagine why you would,” she replied.“All I hear out of him is whining.”

“He’s my friend,” Lloyd said, tapping a finger on his thigh.And at least if Zelos was whining, he was probably fine.He only really whined when there wasn’t anything good to whine about.

“You should get better friends,” the guard said.

For a tenth of a second, Lloyd almost agreed with her. 

But he shook his head violently.No, he told himself, his friends were as good as they could be.Great, even.They just all had different ideas.“Nah,” he replied, “I don’t think I could find better friends than them.”

And then the tiny voice in the back of his head, the one that wasn’t fully convinced of what Lloyd tried to tell himself: _even after everything Zelos has done?_

But that was what he’d come here to find out, wasn’t it?He didn’t need to be thinking like that just yet—he could give Zelos the benefit of the doubt, at the very least.

“That’s some devotion you got there,” she murmured.

“They’d do the same for me.Are you sure I can’t go in?”

The guard sighed, long and deep.“I don’t really care.Your name was on the original list, and I guess as far as I know, it still is.Just don’t stay too long.”

“Wait, really?”Lloyd gave her the largest smile he could muster, which fell sadly short of his record.“Thanks!”

“Don’t mention it.”She pulled a key from somewhere in the depths of her robes and slid it into the lock.“Seriously, don’t.I could get in trouble for this.Knock when you’re ready to leave, or if you need anything.Also, the room’s not soundproof.Got it?”

“Yeah, I got it!”

Wordlessly, she slid open the door.

The room was only slightly longer than Lloyd was tall; it was dim, lit only by a barred window in the upper corner that cast long, striped shadows across the floor.Even with the tapestry to the right, the stones and steel bars in the window made it feel cold.A chill ran down his spine, despite the spring weather.

Zelos lay on a thin mattress, stretched across a low frame that took up an entire length of the room.A chain hung from the wall over his head, its other end clamped to his wrist.The skin beneath it was rubbed red and raw, but that would be the least of his worries.

To put it kindly, Zelos looked much the worse for wear.The ugliest of his wounds had been wrapped—shirt cut away, with strips of cloth winding around his torso and speckled with brown.His head was bandaged too, in a way that harkened back to his stupid headband.Bruises mottled his arms, and the skin around his right eye was dark and swollen.His hair was matted and lackluster; Zelos was so fucking vain, he’d be upset about that when he finally got a look in the mirror, and Lloyd couldn’t say he was too happy about it either. 

It was strange to see him this way, broken and beaten and caged like an animal.Worse that Lloyd remembered far too clearly how he’d gotten that way.Lloyd had cuts and bruises that still ached, too, but they didn’t compare to how his heart wrenched when he considered the damage he’d wrought.He’d never stuck around after a battle to see how devastating his own hands could be—now that he did, he wanted to be sick.

The door slid shut with a thunk, the lock clicking into place.Despite Zelos lying barely inches away, Lloyd suddenly felt alone.

The bed creaked as Zelos stirred.

“What happened to being done for the day?” he muttered.“I’d just gotten to sleep, too.”

Lloyd frowned, self-conscious for a second, before realizing that Zelos didn’t mean him—probably didn’t even know that he was in the room.“Who’re you talking about?” he asked.

Zelos’s good eye shot open as his bad one made a noble attempt.He tried to twist into a seated position, leaning automatically onto his particularly bad arm.“Lloyd?!—oh, hell,” he swore, falling back on the mattress.“Note to self.Can’t move like that yet.”

“Shit, are you okay?!” Lloyd demanded, going to his knees beside the bed.There wasn’t a whole lot he could do to assess the damage—even if Zelos had torn open a stitch or something, under all those wrappings he wouldn’t be able to tell.

“Just dandy,” Zelos assured him, his voice hoarse.“Look at me, ‘m not even dead.”

Lloyd snorted, though he immediately felt bad.“Yeah,” he agreed.“That was really something to fix, I gotta tell you.”

“Aw, I bet,” Zelos replied.He almost sounded like he was smiling. 

Lloyd sat back and crossed his legs, and leaned his elbows on the bed frame.It was difficult to keep his movements slow and smooth in his eagerness to be near, but he managed not to jostle anything.“I’m glad we could bring you back, though,” he said.

A pause. 

“Seriously?” Zelos asked, almost inaudible.

“Yeah! Of course!”

Zelos wouldn’t look at him, his eyes trained intently on the ceiling.“Even after. . . .” He waved his free hand, vaguely gesturing to everything.“Even after all that?”

After the lies, the fight, the betrayal.After the way he’d treated Lloyd and his friends.After his desperate, last-ditch confession, the one that still turned Lloyd’s stomach to knots and made him question everything.

“Yeah,” Lloyd said quietly.“Even after all that.”

It was the truth.Traitor or not, he was grateful that Zelos was alive.

Zelos laughed once without humor, the noise strained.“. . . Hell,” he murmured.“That’s insane.”

“What is?” Lloyd asked, somewhat defensively.

“You, and your forgiving-people thing.Anyone in their right mind woulda left me back there to drown in my own blood, and gladly, too.”

“Hey, if anyone around here is insane, it’s you!” Lloyd said, the fingers of one hand curling into a fist.How could Zelos say such things?“That isn’t true at all!”

“Fuck if it isn’t.”

He couldn’t accept that Zelos was right about that.They were his friends; they were glad to have him back, even if they were still too angry to admit it. 

“Anyone who’d do that is wrong,” he said.“And I wouldn’t leave any of you behind, no matter what!”

“That’s really noble of you, hun,” Zelos replied, not sounding as if he believed it. 

“It’s not noble, it’s just the right thing to do.”

“That’s literally the definition of noble.”

Lloyd was sure he could come up with some ways to argue with that, but at the moment he could not.He let the comment slide, instead choosing to focus on the reason he’d actually come here.“I’m. . . I’m really glad to see you again, Zelos,” he said softly.“I got so scared back there.I thought we were going to lose you.”

Silence with Zelos had always carried a kind of tension to it.You didn’t know if he was quiet because you were an idiot or because he was serious or if something was really wrong; Zelos’s default was always to speak more loudly than anyone else in the room, and him losing the drive to do so was often a warning sign.Zelos was silent now, but with the caviat that Lloyd could not tell what he was thinking—the dark was too strong, and his uncertainty too pervasive.

Eventually, Zelos spoke.

“Me too.”

Lloyd wasn’t sure what the right thing was to say to that, so he said the first thing that came to mind.He sat up eagerly.“But it’s okay now!Because you’re back, and you’ll get better, and I’ll talk to everyone else and get you out of here, and—”

Zelos groaned and Lloyd jumped back, getting his elbows off the bed.He frowned, studying Zelos’s wounds and expression—had he come too late in the day?Was Zelos tired?Too hurt?He could probably dig up some medicine somewhere in the village, although shouldn’t Zelos’s exsphere—

Then he saw it.Zelos’s exsphere wasn’t even there: both hollows in the key crest were empty, with red, bruised skin visible through the depressions.Had it fallen off?It didn’t seem to be anywhere in the room, and there weren’t a lot of places to look—but it was also dark, and maybe his eyes weren’t quite adjusted to the fading light—

“No, hey, you’re fine,” Zelos said.“I just—I’m not gonna get out of here, hun.”

Lloyd had lost track of their conversation and was startled by this.“What are you talking about?‘Course you will,” he insisted. “I mean, I know it all looks pretty bad, but this was the only way I could get Raine to—”

“Your professor’s the whole reason I’m here in the first place.She came to visit me, y’know?Because we love each other so much.”Zelos relayed the story with as light a tone as he could manage, but it was still pained, both from his wounds and from the tension with which he spoke.“She was in here, what, an hour ago?Yesterday?Time’s weird when you’ve got nothing better to do than—well, I can’t even watch grass grow, can I?This is a pretty shitty place to be.”

Lloyd narrowed his eyes.“Raine was here?Is she why your exsphere’s missing?”

“Shit, is it—”Zelos halted, then sighed.“Yeah, probably.That explains a lot.”

Lloyd cursed under his breath.“She can’t just _do_ that,” he said.“You’re not gonna heal right, and—and!” 

He couldn’t come up with quite the right words to express his indignation, so he had to settle for clenching his fists and leaping to his feet, and hoping that would cover it.“I’m gonna go talk to her,” he declared.“I’ll get your exsphere back and I’ll make her stop chaining you up, too.She told me she wasn’t going to do this!”

“Hun, I know I’m not the king of self-preservation or anything, but d’you _really_ think—”

Lloyd shook his head.“No.I don’t care if she thinks you’ll break yourself out or anything.We don’t have the right medicine and stuff here, and without your exsphere. . . I don’t want to risk you not recovering.I already almost lost you once.I’m not gonna do it again.”

“Lloyd,” Zelos said harshly, but Lloyd did not wait.

“Sorry, Zelos.I’ll come back later, but right now I’ve gotta go.”He turned back to the door and knocked on it loudly.If Zelos tried to get his attention again, he didn’t hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops sorry guys didn't mean to disappear for two weeks but you know shit happens
> 
> fun fact: the first version of this last scene was actually the first thing i ever wrote for this fic. now it's been changed and edited beyond recognition but it still stands that it's now like. god. two years old? three? i think two because i wrote this freshman year
> 
> anyway lmk if there's formatting or spelling weirdness because i've moved this fic between so many word documents that stuff may have gotten lost


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i'm so blessed i'm so grateful... i have so many insightful readers leaving comments and i am always so truly excited to see your thoughts. you absolutely rock. 100% tell me your theories bc sometimes i look at them and go SHIT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT... you are all smart and beautiful and i deeply appreciate your patronage

He didn’t have a clue where Raine would have gone—she disappeared all the time, it seemed, to study or talk about one thing or another, and he often didn’t know where to find her if the village in question didn’t have a school or library.But Mizuho was only twice the size of Iselia, and she couldn’t have gone far.

It was also pretty easy to ask about her.He didn’t have to turn too many corners before someone recognized the description of a tall silver-haired half-elf with an orange robe and a staff, and pointed him in the direction of what was supposed to be an inn at the other end of the town.

The siblings had been put up in rooms near the small school, probably so that people could say that the Great Raine and Genis Sage Visited Here, At Least Some Of The Time.One of the few two-story buildings in Mizuho, it’d served as an inn every time Lloyd had been there.It was running low on rooms now that so many shinobi had come home.Mostly people like Sheena who were either assassins or intelligence agents, they were transient by nature and never stayed in one place for long; a lot of them didn’t have anywhere in Mizuho to go home to.Now that Mithos was out of the picture, many were waiting on new assignments.Unlike the villagers, none of them knew him.

Lloyd slid open the door to the inn and stepped into a large, airy room, decorated in soft colors that glowed in the sun from the open windows.A couple of low tables stood in the center, with no chairs or benches to be seen.Richly embroidered tapestries and delicate watercolors hung on the walls; along the back and left were sliding doors leading to halls, and in the far right corner was a staircase.Just below it was an array of items that Lloyd recognized as an altar—there were small figures instead of icons, and incense instead of candles, but it still looked strikingly like the little tables Colette liked to set up.

The door on the far left opened and a woman emerged, wrinkles carved into her face and hands.She carried a basket, which she set on the floor when she saw Lloyd.“Can I help you?” she said—impressively loud, for an old lady.

Lloyd tapped his fingers against his thigh.He was already here; no going back now.“Um, people told me I could find Professor Sage here.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly.“Who’s asking?”

“Lloyd?”

She didn’t seem any less suspicious. Lloyd squirmed uncomfortably.“Lloyd Irving,” he clarified.“One of her students.”

The lady scrutinized him up and down one last time, before rubbing her hands together.“Top of the stairs, take a left, she’s at the far end of the hall.Knock first!”

“I will!” Lloyd said, and thanked her.She waved a hand as he ran up the stairs.

There were five doors, each with a unique symbol painted on the doorframe.He found the last and rapped on it with his knuckles, and then waited.A long while seemed to go by; he was about to knock again when he heard someone say, “Come in.” 

Lloyd slid the door open and stepped inside, just remembering to shut it behind him.

Raine’s room was smaller than his and Colette’s, but not because it had been built that way: the space was taken up with the requisite bed and washstand, but also with chests, a low table, and all of the luggage that Raine had managed to bring with them over the last several months.Though many of her original things from Iselia had dwindled away, she had acquired so many new books and artifacts during their journey that they covered every available surface, the packs she had brought them in strewn across the floor.Raine may have been particular about many things—but cleanliness had never been one of them.The window was cracked open, a slight breeze tugging at the edges of paper and corners of clothing, but otherwise, the room was still.

Raine knelt beside the table as she scratched an entry into one of her many notebooks, her coat draped over the top of a chest.Even had Lloyd been able to read upside down, her writing was too small and close together for him to make out what it said.

He shuffled uncomfortably while she worked, their last heated conversation still fresh in his mind.It stung even now to know that she’d deliberately hidden things from him, even if they had been for his own good.But like he had told her: sometimes you had to be the one to make the first move.

Lloyd only hoped that his was the right one.

“Hi, Professor,” he said, his voice more hoarse than he’d anticipated.Her eyes flicked to him, though her fingers finished the word they were writing even as it lost her attention. 

But her eyes softened when she recognized who he was.“Lloyd,” she said.“How are you?”

Despite everything—all her caution, all her vigilance—Raine wanted them to be friends again.She must have.Lloyd was used to Raine being skeptical, but there was not a single occasion he could remember where she had remained that way after being shown why she was wrong.All he had to do was prove to her that while Zelos had made mistakes, they were just that: mistakes.She would relent then.She had to.

“Pretty okay,” he said.She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t question it.It wasn’t exactly a lie, after all.He’d certainly been worse in the past.Though, he’d also been much better.“I… I had a question.About Zelos.I promise I won’t yell.”

She laid her pen across its inkwell with a delicate clink and closed the notebook, her hands folded over it.“Okay,” she said.“What is it?”

“His exsphere is missing, d’you know where it went?”

Her shoulders tensed, eyes narrowing almost imperceptibly.

“I do,” she said, in a different tone than before.This was her Teacher voice.Her Sit Down And Listen To Me Now, Or Woe Become You voice.It was not the one Lloyd wanted to hear, but it was the one he’d expected. 

“Great!Where is it?” Lloyd asked eagerly. 

“I have it.”

She said nothing more. 

Maybe she’d misunderstood the question? 

“Okay,” he went on, “so where is it?”

“What do you want it for?I thought you hated exspheres.”

She made a good point, picking the one argument that had been sitting at the back of his mind ever since he had thought of it.He still hadn’t rationalized retrieving Zelos’s exsphere to himself.He did hate exspheres, hated how they were made and the countless people they had hurt, and he hated how they made him powerful at someone else’s expense.He did intend to get rid of them eventually, and he could hopefully start with his friends, who would understand the most.

But on the other hand, Zelos’s wounds were dire.Lloyd had been in enough fights now to know what fatality looked like.It was only due to Raine’s power that Zelos was still here, and she did not seem inclined to help him again any time soon.

Another thing Lloyd was going to have to add to his growing pile of things he wasn’t thinking about.

“He’s really hurt,” Lloyd said.“He would get better faster if—”

“I’m sorry, Lloyd,” she said.“I’m not going to take the chance of him using that power to escape.”

“I don’t think he would escape!Raine, if you would talk to him—”

“Do you know that for sure?”

“I—”

“Do you know for sure?” Raine said again, saying each word slowly and carefully, holding his gaze.“Can you guarantee it?Did he swear it to you?Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s not lying, if he did?”

Lloyd wanted to believe he could trust Zelos so badly it ached.He felt that he was right.The way Zelos talked, the way he acted.Even if he could try something, he wouldn’t; he seemed to have used the last of his energy back at the tower and left something cold and hurt in his place that wasn’t Zelos, not quite, but could be if he was simply given a chance. 

But Lloyd had no proof of this.He had nothing besides his own fervent belief, and even that wasn’t so solid if a few words from Raine could shake it.What if he was wrong?What if, given the first opportunity, Zelos turned tail and ran?What if Zelos had meant all of those things he had said about their deaths and his self-serving behavior?And what if the one thing he’d said that, to Lloyd, had rung true, was the only lie he had told?

No, he sure as hell didn’t know for sure.

But it couldn’t be true.Lloyd couldn’t believe that after all they’d been through Zelos would turn around and betray them so easily.He couldn’t live the rest of his life wondering about what might have happened if Zelos wasn’t given the chance to explain.If Zelos betrayed him again, well. . . then Lloyd would know for sure. 

But he would rather be proven wrong than never know if he was right.

“Yes,” Lloyd said, “I do!” and this time, it wasn’t a lie.

At least he hoped it wasn’t.

Raine’s demeanor changed entirely.“I don’t think you quite grasp how serious this is,” she said, her eyes narrowing. 

“I don’t care about how serious it is.I’m not just going to turn my back on him, he’s my friend!” Lloyd replied.

“He is not your friend.”

“Neither was Kratos, and we let him help us!”

“Kratos gave us some indication that he could be trusted,” Raine argued, “and if you recall, I was against that decision as well.Majority vote overruled me consistently in his favor.Regardless, Kratos had actions and information to give us along with his confidence, and Zelos has done nothing.It’s not that I don’t want to help him,” she finished, “and it isn’t that I don’t care.It’s that I have no reason to trust him, and every reason not to.Please understand this, for your sake and everyone else’s as well.”

“You never liked him!You always thought he was bad news!”

“Whether or not I like Zelos has nothing to do with it!I’m disappointed, Lloyd. I thought you were more intelligent than this, but clearly I was wrong.” 

Any words he had died on his tongue. 

Lloyd tried not to take it personally.He was yelling, and she was yelling, but the words only underscored what she had kept back for the last week: he was strong enough to defeat legions of angels, and loving enough to save two worlds, but he wasn’t smart enough to know what was best.

She rubbed her temple with one hand—angry, yes, but she looked more tired than anything.

“Well, maybe you’re right, then,” he said, trying hard to keep his voice from shaking and failing at that, too.“And I’m too stupid to know the difference between a friend an enemy.I liked Mithos for a while too, you know.”

“That is not what I meant,” Raine said quietly.

“It doesn’t matter what you meant.That’s what you said, and that’s what we’re taking at face value now, isn’t it?”Lloyd turned and pulled the door open; it hit the notch in the back with a loud thunk and shook one of the tapestries hanging from the wall.

“Lloyd,” she said, but he didn’t turn to face her.

“I’m going to find Colette,” he said.“Maybe she’ll listen to me.”

He made sure to shut the door behind him.

* * *

They all met up for dinner in the city hall, the first time they’d congregated somewhere without obstruction since before Heimdall.  Raine and Regal sat at one end of the room; Kratos was near them, and gave Lloyd a startled look when he slid in the next seat.  Then there was Genis and Colette, and Presea, and finally Sheena appeared, looking worn but triumphant.

“Hey!” she said with a grin, crossing her legs and sitting beside Lloyd.“Long time no see, huh?”

“Yeah, it feels like forever!” Lloyd agreed—and it did.The last few days he hadn’t had much chance to see her, let alone speak.It was far too lonely with everyone being as evasive as they were.He punched her shoulder playfully, shrinking away when she punched him back.“Where’ve you even been?”

“Well—” she chewed and swallowed an impossibly large chunk of food, “—remember how we brought back Igaguri’s spirit, and he named me successor and all that fun stuff?”

“Yeah.”

Sheena pointed a finger, her mouth twisted into half a grimace.“Being chief,” she said,” is gonna be a lot of work, lemme tell ya.”

Genis chimed in from a few seats down.“But you’ll be in charge!That’s awesome!”

“I mean, hell yeah,” Sheena replied, though she didn’t sound too convinced, “but I’ll be responsible for the whole village.That just wigs me out a little.What if I fuck up irreparably and everyone gets hurt because of it?”

“Language,” Raine murmured. 

“I’m sure you’re not going to hurt anybody,” Colette said with a gentle smile, reaching across to pat Sheena’s hand.Sheena grinned at her, the smile not reaching her eyes.

“Sure, not on purpose!But whether or not I do anything on purpose hasn’t really mattered in the past.”

“You already defeated Volt,” Presea said. 

“Yeah,” Lloyd jumped in.“You proved that if you mess up you can fix it later, and make up for it even better than before!”

“I know, I know!” she said.“But I’ll still have messed up, and it’s not like anyone has just a ton of faith in me!Kuchinawa’s family is still out for blood.”

Lloyd raised an eyebrow.“Even after you fought him?I thought we took care of that.”

She shrugged.“Blood feuds are weird.”

Raine cleared her throat, officially joining the conversation.“Being chief will come with a lot of responsibility, yes,” she said.“It’s a big job, with plenty of opportunities to mess up.”

“Thanks,” said Sheena.

“That said,” Raine went on, “you still have your grandfather and Tiga to help you learn, and you’re not starting immediately.”

“And you’ve got all of us to help you out!” Lloyd said.“If you ever need advice or anything.”

“Yeah, Lloyd doesn’t know anything about running a village, but between all of us we could figure something out!” Genis added.

“Shut up, Genis,” Lloyd retorted.

And then, to the surprise of everyone present, Kratos spoke. 

“I have not been around you all for long,” he said, “but there is little I would not vouch for amongst your group.You have a lot to learn, Miss Fujibayashi, but I have few doubts you will learn it.”

“I concur,” Regal said.“You already display a remarkable propensity for acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, as well as due anxiety toward that which deserves it.I’m sure you will make a fine leader.”

Sheena flushed, her eyes narrowed a bit in confusion.“I can’t tell if those are compliments or not!”

“They are what they are,” said Kratos.

“They are the truth,” said Regal.

Sheena threw her hands in the air in exasperation, while Genis snickered and Colette shook her head.“They mean well,” Raine assured them all, the hint of a grin on her face. 

The conversation continued on, with well-intentioned banter from Genis, Colette, and Lloyd and occasional input from each of the adults.It was almost easy to pretend that this was a regular night for the lot of them; staying at an inn on their journey to reunite the worlds.But even in the cheer surrounding their achievements, Lloyd couldn’t help feeling hollow.

“It’s weird that Zelos isn’t here,” Lloyd commented.

Immediately all noise at the table ceased.Sheena stared pointedly into her bowl of miso; Genis’s face darkened; everyone found something to look at that was no Lloyd, and Colette appeared as if she might be sick.

“Speaking of Zelos,” Raine said, putting down her chopsticks and sitting up straighter.She spoke in her Teacher Voice.Lloyd tensed, though he couldn’t have said why.“Something still has to be done about him.Lloyd has brought up that we can’t keep him here forever, and loathe as I am to admit it, I agree.”

“That’s one of the things Tiga brought up,” Sheena replied, gazing steadily at Raine, a flash of anger behind her eyes.“Even if we wanted to keep him here, we couldn’t.Mizuho and Meltokio have had a pretty strained relationship for years now.Them hiring me to kill you guys was the last attempt at bridging the gap, and… well. You see how that went.If they find out we’ve got their precious Chosen under lock and key, it could turn tension into something a whole lot worse.”

“They don’t have to know he’s under lock and key,” Raine pointed out. 

“He betrayed and nearly killed us!” Sheena said.“Mizuho’s not taking that lightly.Because we were both pretty officially in your group, it’s grounds for treason.Either we handle the situation ourselves and potentially have the Church declare war on us, or we give him back to Meltokio.”

“Can’t you make the king do something about it?” Genis demanded.“I mean, Zelos is his responsibility!”

Regal’s words were strangely calm in the argument.“The Chosen is not above the law,” he said, “but it is difficult to force them to comply, and to bear punishment fitting the crime.Given that the Pope was recently unseated, and the general dislike of Mizuho in the capital, it’s very possible that the Church will rally behind him.The Tethe’allan government and the Church of Martel are too entwined for the king not to listen to their cries.We have no guarantee that Zelos would atone for what he has done.”

“That’s true,” Raine said, folding her hands beneath her chin and scowling.“What he’s done isn’t a crime in Meltokio.Anything they did would probably be to keep on Mizuho’s good side, and we can’t rely on that.”

“So let him go!” Lloyd said.

The rest of them were silent.Six sets of eyes watched him carefully, some of them glaring.

Lloyd steeled his shoulders and held his ground.It was ridiculous that this was even a topic of discussion, as if Zelos was some kind of war prisoner to be done away with.“So he made a mistake, a really awful one!Sheena tried to kill us!Kratos betrayed us a bunch!They’re both still here, and they’re our friends.”

“Which I was against from the beginning as well, I might remind you,” Raine said tersely.

“But it ended up okay,” Lloyd went on.“I don’t see why it’s fair that we forgave them, but we’re making Zelos rot away.”

“I never lied to you guys,” Sheena retorted.“I was at least honest about trying to kill you!The bastard didn’t even have that kind of decency.”

“Kratos then!”

“I won’t say Kratos redeemed himself,” Raine said, “nor do I approve of his actions, past or present.But he did give us reason to trust him when he brought us the means to defeat Yggdrasill, and Zelos has done nothing of the kind.”

“He hasn’t exactly had a chance—”

“We’ve been through this, Lloyd.”There was no longer any kindness, any patience, in her words.“He had months of chances.The way you and Kratos tell it, he had a chance up to and including the day he betrayed us.”

“There could be a million reasons why he didn’t say anything earlier!” Lloyd insisted, getting to his knees.“Did you try asking him?Maybe it’s just up to us to take the first steps!”

Raine slammed a fist onto the table.“I’m through taking first steps!” she shouted.“I don’t think associating with him is a good idea.I’m just trying to keep us safe, Lloyd!”

“There’s nothing to be safe from anymore!”

“Maybe that would be true if he would actually tell us anything useful,” Genis muttered.

Lloyd glanced at him in surprise.The way Raine had told it, no one had been to see Zelos yet—certainly not to ask him any questions.“What d’you mean?”

Raine took a deep breath, leveling her glare at Genis.Genis shrank back a bit, but his expression didn’t change. 

“Professor?”

“I have been to ask Zelos,” she said.“To make him explain.He was. . . evasive.”She hid her face in her hands, massaging her eyes.“If he won’t tell the truth to me, I don’t trust him to give it to you.Not after how manipulative he was at the Tower.”

“All due respect, Professor, but that’s shit,” Lloyd said.“He didn’t mean it like that!He even told me!”

Silence once again—this time deafening, as Raine’s face paled and the others balked.Colette rubbed her fingers together, biting her lip.

“So you went to see Zelos,” Raine finally said, disappointed.“After I expressly told you not to.”

“Yeah, I did,” Lloyd replied.“So what?!He’s our friend!And if you cared as much as you all say, you’d try to forgive him because of that at least!”

He received no reply.No one looked at him, even Colette; only Raine continued to stare at him sadly. 

“You can’t tell me you all agree with Raine,” he said more softly, the realization suddenly hitting.

Colette cleared her throat and began to speak, her voice fragile, its timbre low.“I mean, you are right, Lloyd,” she says, “and I do think we need to forgive him at some point, but. . . .”

“But what.”

Raine took over, much more confident in her answer.“But he has done nothing in the last few days to indicate his remorse or intent to apologize,” she said, “nor does he seem to understand the greater implications of his actions.”

“I don’t even understand the greater implications of his actions!” Lloyd shouted.“I don’t get why this has you so worried you can’t even consider—”

“Which is exactly why you haven’t been party to our discussions about it!” Raine shouted back.

Lloyd’s throat tightened.

“What discussions?” he said.

“What the hell did you think all our meetings were about?” Genis told him.“We keep going over everything in circles and never coming to any kind of decision!”

“We thought maybe . . . Maybe you might contribute something we hadn’t already thought about,” Colette said.“Which is why we’re talking about it now.”

“They wanted you there from the beginning,” Raine said.“I was the one who said no.It’s my fault, not theirs.”

“So after everything we’ve been through you still don’t trust me to know the right thing?” Lloyd demanded.

For the first time in ages, Presea spoke up.“We just didn’t want you to get hurt,” she said softly.

“Well, great job with that!”Raine opened her mouth to speak, but Lloyd went on.“You know you could just ask Kratos, right?Like, if Cruxis had any kind of plan?You could just ask Kratos and he would tell you!Since you already trust him so much!

“And even if you can’t trust him or Zelos, why can’t you just trust me to know what I’m talking about?I know I’m not usually good at the knowing things and decisions thing, but. . . I do know my friends!

“Or at least.I thought I did.”

The reality was that none of them were on his side.If he was going to help Zelos, he was going to have to do it by himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> p.s. wish me luck i have a biochem exam on sunday!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lloyd rolls his first ever nat 20 on a stealth check

The biggest problem was that Mizuho was a hub of activity at night.Though many windows were dark and the market was no longer crowded, the shinobi did not get their reputation by being early risers, and Lloyd could see many people around his own age still out and about.Some of them waved when they recognized him; one greeted him by name as he crossed the bridge.

“Lloyd!Good to see you!”

“Yeah, you too!”

“You’re not usually out this late, up to anything in particular?”

“What? No—!”

He didn’t expect he would be stopped—but if he had thought he could wander about and leave unnoticed, he was sorely mistaken.

And—and he cursed himself for how stupid he’d been—that was exactly why they had chosen Mizuho: it was almost impossible to escape.

But he didn’t really get nervous until he approached where the Sages were staying.

Part of him felt a little guilty for deliberately taking back roads and avoiding the more well-lit streets, almost like he was doing something wrong.It was different from cutting class or taking sugar from the pantry.But at the same time, it was necessary if he was to ultimately do the right thing, and in the end, he was only returning an item to its rightful owner.

He hoped he was, anyway. 

Rightful owner still wasn’t even the right way to put it.

He crept to the back entrance of the house and found it locked, but not strongly.After a brief moment of panic—was this the world’s way of telling him to stop?—it took him only a couple minutes to pick.“Sorry,” he murmured, hoping he wouldn’t scare some old lady too badly, when she woke to find her doorway burgled.

Mizuho was at least extremely on top of its sneaky reputation.The door didn’t so much as scrape when Lloyd slid it open, though he still cringed and held his breath and opened it only enough for him to slip through. Up the stairs, and to the room at the end of the hall.

It was nearly pitch black in the room, with only the moon lighting the interior.Raine’s bags—still numerous even after all the things they’d lost—case eerie shadows on the floor that seemed to move in the corner of his eye.On the bed in the far end of the room was a large lump, which did move regularly and occasionally snored.The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, his fingers trembled nervously.He’d been in Raine’s room so many times while she slept, but never had it been quite as nerve-wracking as this.What if she woke up?What if she didn’t?What if Genis walked in for some reason and caught him instead?Lloyd forced himself not to consider the possibilities.

Her bags were closer to him than she was.He was careful to be as silent as possible when opening the first, rooting his hand through books and garments and hoping fervently that despite Raine’s disorganization, she at least managed to keep the dirty and clean laundry separate.He sorted through pockets and smaller bags as quickly as he dared, but every time he found something vaguely smooth and round, it was something completely different from what he needed: a flint, a rubber eraser, a magic lens, a wad of solid ink.He didn’t know how someone got solid ink, or what Raine needed it for when she had all these pencils he kept stabbing his hand on, but there it was.

Successive bags went about as well—several times Raine would snort or shift in her sleep and Lloyd would freeze, sure he’d be caught and probably beat up as either a sneak or a pervert—he didn’t know which would be worse.But she slept on, and Lloyd reminded himself to breathe, and kept searching.

Three bags later and he hadn’t found a damn thing.Lloyd sat back on his heels, a lump in his throat; he could leave now and no one would be the wiser probably, but then he wouldn’t have gotten what he came for, and would have wasted all this time for nothing—and it would make his plan a lot more difficult, because while he was confident he could carry Zelos, he probably couldn’t do it for long, or for very far, and if someone caught them and tried to stop them it could be even worse—

No.He swallowed and corrected himself.He had to find at least one stone: the plan relied on it.

There were no more bags to go through, so he carefully stood (tripped and tangled his feet in a spare lump of fabric) and made his way over to the table. 

Despite being bathed in moonlight, stacks of books and parchment cast deep shadows over anything else he could have seen, and he cringed every time something he moved made a noise.There were notebooks, loose pages, several more pencils, and a few pens and inkwells, and even some stranger artifacts he couldn’t recognize, though if the feel of their make meant anything she could have picked them anywhere between the eight temples or Derris-Kharlan.Some rattled slightly when he lifted them, but didn’t reveal anything particularly helpful.In desperation, he finally lifted a few of the pages he’d slid aside to check beneath—and froze when there was a loud clatter, and the hiss of something rolling across the wooden surface of the table.

Raine did not move.

Lloyd did not breathe.

Still, Raine did not move.

After what felt like forever, his heart beating wildly, he set the papers down and ran a gloved hand across the table’s smooth surface until his fingers pressed the object against a stack of books.It was small, roughly equal with the tip of his pinky, and warm when he clasped it between two fingers—so warm he had to keep shifting it around to prevent it burning any one spot.He couldn’t tell its color or make in this light, but he barely cared about that—he’d found an exsphere.And the only loose exspheres that he could imagine Raine would have had to be Zelos’s.Gleefully he pocketed it and congratulated himself for a job well done, and turned to sneak out of the room.

Even if it wasn’t Zelos’s exsphere, he reasoned, it would surely be better than nothing.

He left as quickly as he dared, sliding the doors shut behind him with more abandon than he had entered with. His heart raced, jittery with excitement and nervous energy, though his hands were steady as he made his way back through the house and out to the streets of Mizuho.

* * *

It was almost _easier_ to break into the hall at the center of town.  After picking open the lock Lloyd let it hang open, clearing the first hall in a few leaps and whipping around a corner.

A warrior lay in wait for him on the other side, longsword ready.Their eyes were focused as Lloyd appeared, swinging with a deadly precision that would have struck had Lloyd been a second slower. 

He ducked, the blade passing over his head with a hair’s clearance.He caught the warrior’s leg before they could step away, pulling hard and dropping them to the ground with a thud.Lloyd rose and kept moving without waiting to see if they followed. 

He dispatched two more guards before finally making it to the stairs.It took seconds to descend and less to find the cell where Zelos was being held.There was no one down here to defend it; they hadn’t expected anyone to care about the Chosen enough to break him out.

Lloyd grimaced as he unlocked the door and pulled it open, the wood grating as it dragged along the rail.The room was smaller than he remembered.As soon as he entered his shin hit the frame of Zelos’s bed with a loud thunk and the creak of wood shifting in response.He cursed quietly, more at the noise than the pain.

“What the—!?” Zelos hissed.“Lloyd?’S that you?”

It was half a surprise to find himself filled with relief at hearing Zelos’s voice.There was no reason the Desian attack should have meant anything for him, but Lloyd’s shoulders relaxed a little, letting him take a shaky breath.

“How’d you know,” he murmured through a small smile.He dug through his pocket, pulling out a small candle and a matchbook.It was awkward to balance them both in his hands while he struck the match, but he managed.

“Who the hell else would it be?” Zelos slurred, as if he’d been sleeping.There was a twinge of guilt in Lloyd’s chest for having to wake him up, but they could sleep as much as they wanted later.

“. . . Good point.”Lloyd struck the match right on the third try, hands somewhat unsteady as he lit the candle.A tiny flame flickered into existence, the light it cast almost indistinct from the shadows it tried so hard to fight.It was even more dim than the eerie bioluminescence of the Temple of Darkness; there was the occasional glint of Zelos’s chain and key crest, the pallor of his skin, but not much else.“Everyone else is really kinda pissed,” he said.He grinned and waved the candle, trying to make light of the situation—but it flickered wildly and nearly went out, and he decided not to do that again.

Zelos blinked up at him, one arm twisted beneath his head and matted curls tangled with it.He had an eyebrow raised in surprise, but then his eyes narrowed in suspicion.“I had no idea,” he muttered.“But hell if I can’t take a hint.”

“That’s a new skill for you.”

“Nah, I just never cared to before.”

Lloyd set the candle down near the wall, balancing it on the edge of the bed frame.“Don’t move too much, ‘kay?I came way too far tonight to end just by setting you on fire.”He crouched to examine the restraints around Zelos’s wrist.Where the chain surrounded his arm, the skin was rubbed raw and discolored, to say nothing of the dried blood left over from the Tower.The iron was strong, good-quality stuff, the kind of thing his Dad might work with.But the lock itself didn’t seem complicated.

And it wouldn’t be, he mused to himself.It’s not like they expected Zelos to pick the lock himself in this state.Even if he did, the shinobi would have been able to stop him. 

“Damn,” Zelos said, snapping the fingers of his good hand.“I was just about to practice my dance routine, too!” 

Then he laid his hand across his eyes with a flair in the gesture, almost like they were lounging around back in Altamira.It was a move that was so Zelos, even in the chilly underground of Mizuho’s cells, that Lloyd had to snicker. 

Lloyd picked up the lock to get a better look at it, hoping it was really as simple as it looked.As soon as he did Zelos hissed in pain.“Sorry!” he said quickly.

“The fuck are you doing here, Lloyd?” Zelos said through half-gritted teeth, but Lloyd was too distracted to answer.He rifled through his pockets, sorting through scraps of paper, a couple half-gald, Zelos’s exsphere—

“Oh!” Lloyd cheered, grasping the exsphere and pulling it out to display proudly.“I found this in Raine’s bags.Thought it might help you. . . Ah,” he paused as he looked back at Zelos, eyes falling once again on the lacerations and bruises that mottled his skin, “feel better.” 

The key crest embedded in his chest was empty, and it was clear where the little orb was supposed to sit.But Lloyd pressed the exsphere into Zelos’s free hand.It had to be his decision whether to use it or not.

Zelos took the sphere and turned it back and forth, examining it in the dim light.The expression his face was strange, almost grim.He whistled softly.“I don’t know what’s more surprising,” he murmured, almost as if Lloyd wasn’t there.“That you seem like you actually wanna help me, or that you’d go through the Prof’s bags to do it.That’s pretty harrowing.”

“Eh, it wasn’t that bad,” Lloyd said, even though it was exactly as bad as Zelos thought.

He raised an eyebrow, gaze shifting to Lloyd through the corner of his eye.“You sure about this, kid?”

“Yeah!Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You remember what exspheres are, right?”

The knot of guilt that Lloyd had been suppressing the entire night came back in full force.

Yeah, Lloyd remembered what exspheres were—and he wasn’t any less conflicted about them than he had been all year.Though he would rather choke down a dish of tomatoes than come back into contact with exspheres, his own—his mother’s—sat once again in its crest on the back of his hand.It and Kratos’s locket were the only things he had left of her, and getting rid of it had been far more difficult than he’d imagined.It was wrong to keep it.It would be so much better to let his mother’s soul rest after all the shit they’d been through, and he hated himself for using it still. 

But this was it, he promised himself.He just needed her one more time to get him and Zelos to safety, and then that would be it.The exspheres were integral to the vestigial plan he’d made.They wouldn’t have any doctors for who knew how long, and if Zelos’s wounds didn’t heal properly, there would be no chance to fix it.Lloyd wasn’t about to risk that.

“I do,” he said quickly, “and I already got it from Raine anyway, and the only reason she took it was to keep you from getting better.But you’re way too heavy for me to carry for too long, so we don’t have a choice.”He shrugged, more with one shoulder than the other, and began digging through his pockets again.He finally pulled out the tools he’d been looking for: the world’s tiniest probe and pick.He’d made them almost forever ago at Altessa’s in case they’d run into another situation like the Meltokio sewers or the Sages’ kidnapping.He was proud of how fine they were, even if the handles were somewhat crooked and he’d broken them the first five times.

“Carry me—?Lloyd, what the hell—”

But now that he compared them to the lock—he frowned.Even these might be too large.How did someone even get a key so tiny?

“Lloyd,” Zelos said again; louder, more firm.“What are you doing?”

“Breaking you out,” Lloyd finally said.Hadn’t he mentioned it earlier?He could’ve sworn he had, or that it at least would have been pretty obvious once he’d gotten started.“We’re gonna move as soon as I’ve got you out of here!”

He was right: the pick and probe were just slightly too big.Lloyd’s heart sank, but he swallowed the disappointment and reached back into his pocket for a pin.

Zelos scoffed.“Breaking me out?From Mizuho?Did the incense get to your head or something?”

“What?You don’t think I can do it?”

“Hun, I know you can’t do it.There are legends about people not doing it.”

_I thought you were more intelligent than this, but clearly I was wrong._

The pin slid easily into the lock, though it took more maneuvering than Lloyd had anticipated to get the mechanism open.When it clicked, he quickly tugged the lock from its loop and popped the cuff open.He turned back to Zelos with a crooked grin.And he thought Lloyd couldn’t handle a prison break?He’d been sneaking away from Raine since time immemorial!—or at least, since four years ago.“You were saying?”

With some effort Zelos untwisted the arm from beneath his head, rubbing at his wrist.He made some kind of noise that could have been anything: frustration, pain, relief.Lloyd chose to believe it was gratitude. 

Favoring his bad arm, Zelos managed to push himself so that he was sitting up—leaning against the wall and rubbing his temples, but sitting nonetheless.“You ready?”Lloyd asked.

“Chill for a sec, jailbird,” Zelos said.“This is the first time I’ve sat up in. . . Hell, fuck if I know.How long’s it been?”

Lloyd frowned, thinking back to before Mithos, before his fight with Kratos, all the way back to the Tower and that night at Flanoir—it was difficult to tell how much had happened, or when, and even counting on his fingers couldn’t keep the days straight.“A week, I think?A little longer?” he suggested.“Someone mentioned it at some point, but it was a few days ago.”

“Over a fucking week,” Zelos said, chuckling darkly.“I swear if my tolerance for boredom hasn’t gone up by now. . . .”He left the comment hanging, changing the subject as his head inclined toward Lloyd.Between his curtain of hair and the dim candlelight, Lloyd couldn’t see his face.“You’re really sure about all this?Everyone’s gonna be pissed at you, too.”

Probably not more pissed than they already were, Lloyd thought.

“I mean, the alternative is letting Mizuho decide what to do with you,” he said.“And like I said, I put way too much work in keeping you alive.I’m not gonna let it go to waste now!”

“They wouldn’t kill me,” Zelos said.“I’m not their responsibility, and they’d have to answer to the Church.My legions of fans would kick their asses.”

“I don’t think anyone’s gonna be answering to the Church any time soon,” Lloyd replied.“Not after what we did to Mithos.”

“They’ll answer to Meltokio, then,” Zelos said—but he didn’t sound convinced.

“Either way,” Lloyd said quietly, “it doesn’t look good.If it did, I wouldn’t be here.”

There was a long minute of silence before Zelos pressed the exsphere into the key crest, sliding it into place with a soft click.It glistened in its place; from the light or from virtue of what it was, Lloyd couldn’t be sure.

“Think you can walk?” Lloyd asked, getting to his feet and offering a hand to Zelos.

Zelos ignored him.He swung his legs over the side of the bed frame and used the wall to stand, swaying a bit before catching his balance.He looked as if an insect could knock him over, but to his credit, he didn’t fall. 

He gave Lloyd a hollow grin and half-salute, speaking with bravado.Even with the effort, it was just shy of who he’d been before the Tower.“Look at that.All by myself, too—ever see a corpse do that?”

“Plenty of times,” Lloyd pointed out, just to be contrary.“But you’re not a corpse, Zelos.”

“I am a little.C’mon, it’s funny!”

Lloyd didn’t find it funny at all, but he grinned anyway.If Zelos was well enough to be cracking jokes, then that was something.“I’m gonna put out the light,” he said.“So stay close to me, yeah?”

“Aye aye, chief,” Zelos said, as Lloyd reached down to smother the candle.

* * *

Zelos braced himself against the wall as another wave of nausea threatened to topple him.

Standing after a good week of kicking back and relaxing had done a fucking number on his head, which reeled with painful vertigo as he tried to keep his balance.If the cruxis crystal Lloyd had gotten him was helping, it was sure doing a shit job.

He swallowed the forcefully, grimacing at the sharp, bilious aftertaste in his throat.At least he hadn’t eaten in a couple of days.The last thing he wanted was to puke on Lloyd in the dark, though the kid half deserved it for bringing him the fucking cruxis crystal instead of the exsphere.They weren’t that difficult to tell apart, were they?Zelos had always been able to tell.

But then, it was dark, and Lloyd had been trying to help. 

And was still trying to help, with his lock picks and magic rocks and his erratic path through the narrow halls.He ran forward a few feet, his boots clomping obnoxiously on the floor in time to Zelos’s headache, before stopping and waiting for Zelos to hobble to his side.“It’s not far now,” he kept saying, and Zelos found himself wondering: not far to what, exactly?The grave?Because that was seeming more and more likely with every step.

“Are you okay?” Lloyd whispered loudly as Zelos caught up.It must have been the fifth or sixth time he’d asked that, in all the time they’d seen each other so far.

“You ask that again, I’m gonna take what little is left of my bod and slug you,” Zelos hissed back, a hand brushing the wall.He didn’t need its support, but you couldn’t let a good wall go to waste, right?“Don’t drag attention to us, I’m fine.”

Lloyd wasn’t convinced.His expression was stern, eyes narrowed in worry; he almost resembled his dad, if far more easy on the eyes.“Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure,” Zelos insisted, waving his other hand—his right.It was sore, and stiff, and ached to use, but to his surprise he found it functional.“Show me where the hell we’re supposed to go next, hero.”He could worry about his physical health later, if Lloyd’s crazy idea held true.

Lloyd pointed down a hall and set off in that direction. 

Zelos was getting better at this as they advanced, anyway.His shuffling gained an even pace, and sometimes he took something that could’ve been a step.Very impressive, for a guy whose leg had been shattered last week.Maybe by the end of the night he’d be able to hold a sword.You had to aim high.

But for now, he mused as his gaze followed Lloyd, who was bouncing in and out of visibility, they’d have to rely on Lloyd’s presence of mind.Which was pretty good most of the time—Zelos would trust the kid with a lot of things, even after everything that had happened.He just wasn’t sure how well this particular plan had been thought through. 

“Stairs here!” Lloyd called softly.Sure enough, the faint outline of them was just visible in the dark, a dim light at the top indicating the landing ahead.What little confidence Zelos had shrank.They rose toward the dim light for a distance that seemed impossible; the walkway was narrow, and the stairs inordinately steep.How’d he even gotten down here the first time? 

Lloyd took the first two or three steps at a time, springing toward the top like a fucking goat.Zelos had to grit his teeth and do his best.

There was no rail lining the side, so Zelos dug his fingers into the crevices between flagstones and prayed he wouldn’t lose his grip.One foot in front of the other; just like walking, except that he was heading up, and the effort to balance on one foot while raising the next was Herculean.Even if his legs could handle moving him down the hall at a snail’s pace, they didn’t fancy hoisting his wounded ass up a flight of stairs.

As a reward for his trouble, a stitch formed in his side.His ribs already ached when he breathed, and that wasn’t an improvement. 

He managed ten stairs, face burning with humiliation.At least it was too dark to tell.

“You got it?” Lloyd asked, jumping back down a few steps.“I’m real sorry about this, it’s the only way there aren’t people watching—”

“I got it,” Zelos said through his teeth, his balance wavering for a terrifying second.Lloyd’s hand shot out to help him, but Zelos pushed it away, leaning against the wall to steady himself.He couldn’t have Lloyd helping him any more than he already was.“I said I got it, okay?” he hissed.

The hand faltered, fingers curling as the faintest change of expression narrowed Lloyd’s eyes—the only thing visible in this light, but enough to send guilt burning through Zelos’s chest. _Shit,_ he thought; _fuck.I didn’t meant it like that—_

Except that he had meant it a little like that.

“Right,” Lloyd said, with a quick nod.“Just let me know.”

“I promise if I become even more of a damsel than I already am, you’ll be the first to know,” Zelos muttered, steeling himself for another step.

The process was long and painstaking, but Zelos managed to climb to the top, pausing there to catch his breath.A long hallway stretched to the right, wide enough for three people to walk across comfortably if they were far shorter than Zelos; the ceiling was low, built for shinobi who rarely cleared six feet.Lamps were spaced evenly between doors, glowing softly and keeping the corridor from being overrun with shadow.Rice paper dyed in blues and greens lined the walls, their textures rough, and reed matts on the floor; between those and the richly embroidered tapestries on long stretches of space, it was Mizuho’s equivalent of splendor.These rooms were where they had met vice-chief Tiga the first time; it was the first place Zelos had heard Lloyd’s ideals in earnest, had really seen how Cruxis’s actions were impacting the world outside of his gilded cage.The first time he had considered that, perhaps, there was something more to all of this than getting what he wanted.

It had been such a long time ago. 

Lloyd didn’t stop to admire the decoration.“We don’t have a lot of time,” he said, reaching out to grasp Zelos’s shoulder—an old, familiar gesture.One that he thought better of at the last minute, and kept his hand to himself.“I don’t wanna rush you or anything!I took care of a lot of the guards in here, but I don’t know when everyone else is gonna come back.”His eyes flickered to the left; Zelos followed his gaze, and sure enough, the body of a shinobi warrior was crumpled in one of the few dark corners.Dead?Knowing Lloyd, it wasn’t likely.But it was a testament to how serious Lloyd was about getting him out of Mizuho.

The wave of nausea was stronger this time.All of this effort, all of these actions that would destroy so many of Lloyd’s friendships, all for him.Zelos hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve this kind of grace.While he didn’t care for being chained, it was easier than trying to deal with Lloyd’s expectations.

Lloyd’s expression was earnest.Patient. 

“I’m good,” Zelos told him.

He followed Lloyd around a corner into a narrower hall, and then another that was even smaller.The layout of the building was less labyrinthine than Zelos had expected; for a people of secrets, the shinobi appreciated their open floor plans.“Where the hell is everyone, anyway?” Zelos said.“I’m kinda offended.I thought I was worth more than one guard.”

“You are,” Lloyd assured him—was that comforting?He peeked through a cracked door, then pressed on without entering.“There were more.They aren’t here now.”Lloyd checked another room, then waved him over and ran in without waiting for Zelos.“In here!”

Between the stitch in his side and ache in his limbs, and the constant, painful pressure in his chest, working to catch up was a good exercise in determination.The Cruxis crystal did take the edge off the pain, but there was too much damage for it to totally compensate.Even with its improvements on his balance, he staggered around like a drunk.

He stopped in the doorframe of the room.Lloyd was at the far end, digging through an open chest and shoving several items into a bag.“Here, this one’s yours!” he called.

Even in the dim light Zelos could recognize the blade: a short xiphos in a sheath of fine, embossed leather, its hilt lined in gold.It was made less for hacking than for cutting throats, but it could do almost anything he asked in a pinch. 

He stepped closer and took the sword.Somewhat heavier than he expected, the grip was familiar and slid out of the sheath as easily as ever.It had been cleaned at some point, though not sharpened—not like he’d be able to do much damage with it in this condition anyway.He was more surprised to find that it was here, rather than rusting under some Chosen’s corpse (his corpse) back in the Tower.“You guys kept this?” he asked, voice low. 

“Yeah, of course!”Lloyd stood and kicked the chest shut, tossing a sack over his shoulder.“I mean, it’s yours, so I grabbed it without really thinking.Raine and Sheena were pissed.But Regal said it was too nice to leave lying around, and I already had it, so I cleaned it up and dumped it with the rest of your stuff.”

“You’ve got my shit, too?”

“It was back at Flanoir with everything else.”Lloyd shrugged.“And… a lot of our stuff is pretty mixed up, anyway.So this is all yours too, along with whatever I’ve got in my bags.”

“How the hell did you know it was here?”The room wasn’t anything special; it hadn’t even been locked, much less guarded. 

Lloyd grinned, pleased with himself.“Being friends with Sheena gets you a lot of places.”

“That’s. . . awesome,” Zelos said.Lloyd had gone to all of this trouble—collecting his things, finding all of it, knocking out the fucking Flying Invincible Shinobi of the Hidden Village—for him.If they were caught they would both be in so much trouble.Zelos couldn’t bring himself to care; he was always in trouble of some kind, and at this point in his life it was just something he accepted.But Lloyd was directly defying everything his friends, Zelos included, would have cautioned against.It was that, more than the dubious legality of it all, that was so surprising.

“Right?!” Lloyd agreed.Did he even understand how serious this was?“The rheairds are just outside town.We can make it before anyone catches us if we hurry!”

Out of habit, he reached out to pull Zelos along and thought better of it at the last minute, his fingers lingering on Zelos’s skin before he dashed off.

Breath caught in his throat, Zelos had to physically drag himself out of his reverie. _You can’t be his friend_ , he reminded himself harshly. _You’ll have to break that to him later._

Zelos buckled the sheath around his waist.  Yeah, he thought.  Later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow if i didn't know any better i would almost suspect that this was a decision neither one of them can go back from
> 
> p.s. oh! [this](http://www.army-guide.com/eng/images/xiphos1365744059.jpg) is a xiphos. i remember when i first wrote this chapter i was OBSESSED with figuring out what kind of sword zelos had so i went on a huge wiki trawl trying to find it. like other last minute huge research projects i've done, it turned out to not actually matter in the end, but it was important to me.


	6. Chapter 6

The sun melted over the horizon in a stretch of pink, the sky fading from its pitch black to a soft blue and then to gold. It pricked at Lloyd’s skin even through his clothing, a sharp contrast to the bitter cold of the night air. He wasn’t cold, in his dwarven coat with Zelos’s arms around his waist, but he was a little concerned for Zelos. They had started crossing the ocean at some point during the night, the wind taking its bite from the water’s surface. The sun would help them, eventually—but hopefully they would land by then.

As the sun rose, the rheaird would beep at him every few minutes, reminding him that everyone back in Mizuho had noticed them missing and were now trying to get in contact.He ignored the pages each time before finally blocking the calls, then altered course to keep the sun on his left.

To the south was a long strip of darkness; if his memory were right, it would be the same continent with Latheon and Ymir. He hoped fervently that it was. In the chaos of escaping Mizuho, he’d forgotten that the world had been altered, that what was Sylvarant and what was Tethe’alla had been tossed together and mixed without any kind of rhyme or reason. If he looked back, he could just see the outline of the Tower of Salvation fading behind them, the mountains of Mizuho nowhere to be seen. In the past, heading south from Mizuho wouldn’t have passed the Tower at all.

He was glad it had been dark when they’d flown by. It left his stomach queasy to see it even from this distance; he didn’t want to think about going closer.

The ocean turned gray as the sun rose higher in the sky, occasionally glinting deep green when a wave rose high enough to catch the dawn’s light. It smelled strongly of salt, the wind leaving a crust on his skin and hair. As they came closer, he could catch a glimpse of treetops just beyond the beach, towering things with strong, smooth trunks and greenery dripping from their branches. It certainly looked like Ymir—a faint hope awakened in his chest, almost swallowed by exhaustion. The rheaird made fantastic time.

As soon as they passed over the beach and the trees—and it was definitely Ymir; from this height the ruins of Heimdall could be seen and Lloyd’s stomach lurched at the sight—and found a clearing, he landed the rheaird as gently as he could. He was loathe to stop now. Despite the few hours’ head start and the chaos in which they’d left, he couldn’t shake the feeling that someone could be following them.

But he needed to check on Zelos, and to take a nap before he passed out in midair.

Zelos had been quiet, even with the understanding that conversation on a rheaird wasn’t easy. Either he’d been sleeping on and off—dangerous, whether you were driving or not—or he was upset about something. Both were equally possible. Lloyd would have thought he’d be thrilled to be gone, but maybe not.

He slid off the rheaird and immediately went for one of the bags, dragging a blanket from its depths. Zelos, definitely awake, leaned forward on the console as he watched. “Y’know,” he said, “I could’ve driven some of the time.”

That was true. Lloyd had given it a passing thought sometime around three in the morning, and then ignored it. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking about at the time, except that he hadn’t wanted Zelos to drive. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t think there had been a good reason besides that.

Lloyd dropped the blanket on the ground and did his best to spread it out with his feet, giving Zelos a tired smile. “Nah, it’s all good. You gotta rest.”

“Good point. The last week’s been pretty strenuous,” Zelos said dryly.

“Yeah,” Lloyd agreed. It wasn’t long ago that they had been in Flanoir, and the events since then bled together so fluidly that they became difficult to remember. He knew he’d fought Kratos, defeated Mithos, united the two worlds—but the details on how, or on what he’d said or thought or felt t the time, anything besides this deep exhaustion in his limbs and the fog in his head, was lost.

He collapsed on the blanket, grateful to be off his feet, and closed his eyes. “I’m gonna take a nap,” he said. “You should, too.”

“I have done so much goddamn napping recently that if I close my eyes, I’m gonna scream.”

“’S long as you don’t wake me up,” Lloyd murmured in response, asleep only seconds later.

* * *

In the distance, the ocean was a quiet roar, crashing and recoiling against the shore. The sun turned the backs of his eyes a deep red when he awoke.  The faintest breeze nudged at his face, carrying the loud chirping of birds from the Ymir forest. It was almost too warm for spring this far south, and pleasant after the chill of Mizuho.

It was tempting to keep lying there, but it would have been a fight between his desire for sleep and the discomfort of curling up on the ground, and they needed to keep moving anyway. Lloyd forced himself to sit up and rub his eyes, irritated to find sand in them. He and the beach had an understanding: it was fun enough, if you had the right kind of day. But he’d rather it kept the sand to itself.

He stretched, the joints cracking as he moved, and tugged his fingers through his hair to alleviate the lethargy leftover from sleep. It was disorienting to open his eyes and see the sun bathing the world with the deep gold of afternoon.By all rights it should have been dawn, for how long he’d slept. He’d never appreciated napping during the day, and it never got any easier.

The rheaird was where he had left it, along with all of their belongings. He was pretty sure that was all of them, anyway, as he slowly counted out three or four or five sacks. He hadn’t paid much attention to what he had grabbed the night before. Clothing, yes, and some first aid kits, and his swords were still buckled at his sides—probably responsible for his sore hips. But something was missing. Something important. Lloyd chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to remember.

Then it hit him. Zelos was nowhere to be seen.

A pang of disappointment hit his chest. Of course, he told himself as he stood, what had he really expected? Even if Lloyd had put forward so much effort to break him out, Zelos wasn’t under any obligation to stay close to him, or even to stay at all. Actually, it was smart of him to leave as soon as possible: if Lloyd didn’t know where he was, he was less likely to be found.

Deep down, Lloyd had known that this was a possibility. He’d only hoped they would get the chance to talk first. He had questions, so many they churned his stomach, and now they might never be answered—

He told himself his throat wasn’t dry, and that it was the sand making his eyes prickle as he folded the blanket and put it away. Where would he go now? Back to Mizuho?The thought left a foul taste on his tongue. He’d just as soon go home to Dirk.

A twig snapped.

Lloyd had a blade halfway out as he turned, running through a list of enemies in his head. Desians. Monsters. Elves being dicks. His muscles tensed as his eyes scanned the treeline, ready to charge if need be.

“Whoa, whoa, hey! Sir Knight, relax! It’s just me, your lady love.”

Zelos grinned as he approached, his arms raised in surrender, the left higher than the right. Despite his joviality, his eyes were wary, flicking between Lloyd and his blades. Surely he couldn’t think that _Lloyd_ was any danger to him, especially not after last night? 

But Lloyd let his sword slide back into the sheath, stretching his fingers.

“Zelos!” he said, a smile breaking on his face—he was relieved to see him come back. “I was wondering where you got off to.”

“You think I’m gonna get far with this?” Zelos gestured at the bandages wrapped around his torso, still dark with blood. Since the exsphere had been returned to him he was limping less and standing taller, but that wasn’t due to any natural strength of his own. The wounds were still clear to see, and they would take time to heal. “I’m flattered, kid, but you need a reality check.”

“So they tell me,” Lloyd said with half a laugh. “Where’d you go?”

“Got bored waiting. Went to find a place I could wash my hair. You don’t get just a ton of baths when you’re locked in a closet, y’know.” Zelos pulled something from his pocket—a comb, which he displayed between two fingers—then tucked it in one of the rheaird’s bags. Sure enough his hair was damp, though even that and vicious taming could not rid him of the curling ends. Though little had changed since the night before, it went leaps and bounds toward making seem less a prisoner and more the asshole Lloyd knew and loved.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Lloyd said.“I wanted to leave you at Altessa’s, but he was already in bad condition and then making you stay with him would’ve just been…”

Zelos’s eyes narrowed a hair’s breadth, his focus still toward the rheaird.“Too much to risk, huh?”

“I mean—I didn’t think it was, but no one believed me.” 

It was strange to relate the events that had transpired between the Tower and Heimdall.They were hazy and kept slipping from Lloyd’s grasp, and what little he could remember were a mix of emotions and opinions without context.

“Well.Can’t say I blame ‘em.”Zelos shrugged with his uninjured shoulder.“Hell, if it was me I’d do the same thing—I was already gonna put myself out of the count for eternity anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Zelos rolled his eyes and shook his head.He pulled open the bag next to the one with the comb, digging through it with some abandon. “Forget it. You got another brilliant plan, o great savior, or are we winging it from here?”

Lloyd was far from finished with the subject, but whatever had alarmed him about the comment slipped from his mind as he focused on Zelos’s next question. The tide had come in while he slept, closing the distance between their clearing and the waterline and making the continent on the other side of the channel seem that much further away. Lloyd was certain now that they were on the same continent as Heimdall and Latheon—and less so of where anything else might be.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I didn’t think that much ahead—I kinda didn’t expect to get this far, actually.”

Zelos sighed, clicking his tongue.“And here I thought you knew what you were doing.”

“I mean, I did at the time!”

Zelos exhaled sharply when he didn’t find what he was looking for, and paused to lean against the rheaird. “So you broke a felon out of jail and ran off without any kind of getaway plan, and just expected _not_ to get caught, then? Great. That’s—that’s great.”

Lloyd crossed his arms, stung by the sarcasm.“You really think _you_ get to lecture me about bad ideas?”

“Hey, hey, I’m not complaining,” Zelos placated, going through the next bag. “I’m not in any position to be choosy about my heroes here. All told I could’ve ended up a lot worse off! I’m just saying,” he went on, his words careful, “that this could’ve been planned better.”

Finally, he found what he’d been searching for—a pair of his gloves, long and wrinkled, but mostly clean.His shoulders relaxed as he pulled them on.

“Well, I don’t know how well you plan anything either, so I guess that makes two of us,” Lloyd muttered.

Zelos’s expression hardened, his jaw rigid as he adjusted the gloves.

There was a twinge in Lloyd’s chest. The last thing he’d wanted was to start throwing accusations back and forth mere hours out of Mizuho—at the very least Zelos could take some time to recover, or they could sit down and talk about it without fighting.

He was on the verge of apologizing when Zelos clapped his hands. “Well!” he cheered as if nothing had happened, “what’s done is done, so we might as well figure out our next move.”

“I—yeah, I guess we should,” Lloyd said, his arms falling with some confusion.The air still felt too tense for such a drastic change in attitude.“Um. Got anything in mind?”

Zelos wove his fingers together as he considered it, stretching his arms out in front of him. “I don’t know about you,” he said, “but I can’t say I’m too keen on going near Mizuho any time soon. I hope you don’t mind.”

Lloyd chuckled, though the sound was dry in his throat. “Nah,” he said, the argument with his friends still too fresh in his mind. “I can’t say I really want to either.”

“Same page on that, then. It’s a start!”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “It’s a start.”

“So I guess if we’re avoiding our most dear, we probably don’t wanna go back to your place or mine, do we,” Zelos said, his face twisting into a scowl. “That sucks.”

Lloyd had been looking forward to spending time with his dad again after the months he’d been away, but when Raine and the others noticed they were missing—and they _had_ to know they were missing by now—Iselia would be first on the list of places to check.“Even if we wanted to go there,” he confessed, “I wouldn’t know how. Raine’s got all the new maps, and they’re not even finished. All I know is that we’re outside Ymir and Latheon Gorge is somewhere to the east.”

“Ymir? That’s the place with the dickish elves, right?”

The smoke had long since faded, but the memories of Heimdall collapsing around him had not.

Lloyd grimaced. “Nnnnot anymore.”

Zelos was about to ask, but thank all the gods, he kept his mouth shut. “Okay,” he said instead. “So, unless we want to take our chances over the ocean…”

“There’s just Latheon.”

Now that Lloyd thought about it, it might be perfect—rheairds couldn’t handle the wind currents, so they didn’t have to worry about overhead fliers or search parties trying to navigate its canyons. On top of that, they _hated_ Latheon. No one would think to look there.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Zelos said, with a skeptical laugh. “You want _Latheon Gorge_ to be our honeymoon suite?”

“It’s not a honeymoon!” Lloyd protested.“It’s a hiding place. I mean, we can’t just stay out in the open. There’s still like, seven rheairds back in Mizuho.Someone could fly in this direction any time!”

“You should’ve thought about that before you wore the jacket,” Zelos said.

“What about your hair? That doesn’t blend in either!”

“And that is a risk we’ll just have to take,” he said. “Sorry, kid, but I still haven’t forgiven you guys for making me go there the last time.”

“We haven’t got much of a choice. I mean, unless you _want_ get dragged back to Mizuho, but I already put a lot of work into getting you out, so I kinda don’t want to do that!”

Zelos’s gaze flicked to Lloyd and back, his eyes narrowed in a glare. Lloyd immediately regretted his choice of words.He hadn’t meant it to sound like Zelos _owed_ him something, but it would be easy as anything to take it that way. “Bud,” Zelos said in a low tone, “ _you’re_ the one who thinks I can scale those mountains with fucked ribs and a twisted leg.”

“I can help you!” Lloyd stepped over to the rheaird and stood beside it in an attempt to get Zelos’s attention.“We’ll stay close to the ground; I bet anything you can make it if we go slow. And you’ve got an exsphere now, it’ll—”

“Crystal.”

Lloyd blinked. “What?”

Zelos tapped the tiny gem in his keycrest. It glinted red under his touch, deep and crimson. “I guess I shouldn’t expect you to be able to tell a Cruxis crystal from an exsphere, huh,” he said, a bitter edge to the words.“Not like you grew up with ‘em, anyway.”

_I thought you were more intelligent than that, but_ clearly _I was wrong_.

Lloyd’s words came back quick and harsh.“It was dark!” he said. “There was a lot of stuff lying around. I wanted to move fast, so I grabbed something and ran.Sorry if me trying to _help_ wasn’t exactly perfect!”

Zelos was taken aback.“Martel’s tits, you don’t have to get up in arms about it.We’ve got more important things—”

“Stop doing that!”

“Stop doing _what_?”

Lloyd slammed a fist against the side of the rheaird before he could control the impulse.It clanged loudly, shaking the supplies hanging from either side.“Changing the subject!You’ve done it, like, four times already!As soon as I get started on explaining, or apologizing, or—or _whatever_ , you flip your hair or wave your hand and start talking about something else completely!”

Zelos inched back—startled by Lloyd’s outburst for a tenth of a second before his features smoothed over and he rolled his eyes.“Hey, I’m just trying to keep us on topic, here!”

“No, you’re just doing it _again!_ It’s not staying on topic when the topic changes every five minutes!This was always the problem with you, Zelos, and why no one wanted to listen to you or help you out or anything.We can’t ever talk to you long enough to get anything done!”

“Well, if you knew _that_ was gonna be a problem, maybe you should’ve left well enough alone!” Zelos retorted.“Hell, you didn’t have an issue doing that before!”

“That’s not my point—!”

“Sure seems like it is!”

“It’s not even _close_ to it!” Lloyd tore at his hair in frustration, a strangled noise coming from his throat. “I just want to _help_ , okay?! I don’t know what I did to make you hate us so much, but I want to at least try to fix it!”

Zelos’s face darkened as Lloyd spoke, his breathing shallow as they both waited for the other to say something.A dry lump sat in Lloyd’s throat.He swallowed it to no avail and wished again that they hadn’t resorted to shouting—it felt too much like giving up, like acknowledging that Raine had been right about Zelos being unreachable.

When he replied, Zelos’s voice sounded tired, and his eyes slid away to the embroidery on his gloves.“Some things you can’t fix, Lloyd,” he said, the words short.“All you can do is give up and move on.”

“Bullshit,” Lloyd countered. His voice shook; he swallowed again to steady it, but it didn’t help. “We still want to be your friends.”

“This isn’t about your fucking _friends_ —”

“ _I_ still want to be your friend, then!” He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down as best he could.“So stop brushing me off when I try to talk to you about something, okay?!”

“I wouldn’t have to brush you off if you’d just keep your thoughts to yourself,” Zelos spat.“I didn’t ask you to break me out of Mizuho, and I sure as hell didn’t ask you to give me a hard time about _your_ shitty decisions! And—”

“ _My_ shitty decisions?!I dunno if you noticed this, but _your_ shitty decisions are the reason we’re out here in the first place!” Lloyd shouted.“I wouldn’t have had to break you out of Mizuho if you hadn’t betrayed us at the Tower and made everyone not trust you!You were working for _Cruxis_ , Zelos, how does it get any shittier than that?!”

Zelos scoffed and rolled his eyes, a low, humorless chuckle coming from his throat as he turned away from Lloyd. 

“What the hell’s so funny?!” Lloyd demanded.

He waved a hand in Lloyd’s direction, brushing off the comment as a bitter grin curled his lips.“Nothing,” he said.“Not a goddamn thing.”

“Then why are you laughing?!”

Zelos took a deep breath that sounded more like a gasp; it shook as he exhaled, the laughter gone.“I—I don’t fucking know.Don’t ask.I’ll be right back,” he muttered, and began to walk away.His steps were slow at first, but he took up speed and became more unsteady as the distance between the two of them increased.Even with the crystal, he limped unsteadily.Lloyd started after him—if Zelos fell, it would be better if someone else was there to help him.

“Where are you _going_?” Lloyd called.

“Don’t follow me!” Zelos snapped.“I’ll be fine, I just—don’t follow me.”

Lloyd staggered to a halt as Zelos hit the treeline, stopping to lean against the nearest trunk.His first instinct was to approach, but Zelos’s position seemed unwelcoming and private, and he was loathe to antagonize him further.

“Okay,” Lloyd said. “I’m just over here, alright?If you need anything.”

Zelos did not answer him, instead stepping further beneath the shadow of the trees.

* * *

It felt like ages that Lloyd spent pacing near the rheaird, glancing back at Zelos’s hazy form every so often to make sure he was alright, but it was not even an hour that he waited.  His anger dissipated as quickly as it had come, leaving worry in its place.  Maybe it hadn’t been fair for Zelos to criticize and belittle him, but that hadn’t made it okay for Lloyd to do the same.  All Lloyd wanted was for things to go back the way they had been before the Tower, when talking to Zelos had been easy and conflicts rarely escalated beyond casual banter.  He’d known that was too much to hope for in the immediate wake of his betrayal, but now he worried it wouldn’t happen at all.  Had everything he’d done in the last couple of days been for nothing?  There was no way to be sure.

Zelos appeared a little ways away from where he’d gone off, hair pulled over one shoulder and his face drawn. 

“Hey!” Lloyd said, rushing over and stopping a few feet away.“Are you okay?”

Zelos gave a bright grin that did not reach his eyes, flashing a thumbs-up.“Good as gold,” he said.“Ready to get going?”

That sounded fake.Zelos had not been remotely okay earlier, and given the circumstances, Lloyd wouldn’t have expected him to be—much less to have recovered so fast.“Uh, sure.Where?”

“ _Latheon_ , dummy.We planned a whole thing.”

“We did?”

Zelos laughed at him, an eyebrow raising in some surprise.“What, you don’t remember?I thought it was _your_ idea.”

“I mean… I guess it was, but—”

“So let’s go!” 

Lloyd frowned as Zelos began securing their things, nonchalant as ever.It was disquieting how close the action was to his daily behavior, the exhaustion in his eyes the only lingering evidence of his breakdown.

Lloyd understood suddenly, as he moved to help, why Zelos’s betrayal had taken them by such surprise.In a way Raine had been right: he didn’t know anything about Zelos at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so pleased you guys are enjoying this and i want to give a hasty apology for skipping the actual details of their escape... the reality is that that bit was really poorly written and i didn't like it, and frankly the whole point of this fic is to get lloyd and zelos alone so i hope you will forgive me... tho if you don't it doesn't really matter because i'm the one writing it anyway 
> 
> and with this chapter, we pass into my favorite section of the fic c:
> 
> anyway! it's awesome to read your comments, although i find it funny how angsty it looks like this fic turned out?? i guess i spent so long writing it that i got desensitized lol
> 
> ALSO SHOUT OUT TO [krystalningu@twitter](https://twitter.com/KrystalNingu/status/841160842854899713) for awesome fanart of the last chapter!! i'm so excited everyone look!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY ok school kicked my ASS all of a sudden and then i was so psyched to be on my (very brief) summer vacation that i read the first 5 parts of jojo's bizarre adventure in the space of a few weeks and completely spaced on updating this fic
> 
> so in honor of [6/10 week](https://twitter.com/KrystalNingu/status/869664583379591168) here's the next chapter!! kind of a slow one but i hope you like it anyway

Tethe’allans liked their architecture _big_. The flat landscapes of Meltokio’s continent made it easy to construct halls and domes large enough to contain their egos—a good thing, because the absence of any kind of mountains to build on meant it was that much more difficult to assert their authority over nature.

Zelos suspected there was an attitude factor as well. Despite multitudes of conquests to the Sybak peninsula, or the Flanoir islands far to the north, Tethe’alla as a nation had never strayed from Meltokio for long. The official reports were that the landscapes were too harsh to build a permanent, flourishing settlement worthy of the capitol’s glory; in reality, it was just that much more difficult to flip off Gnome with an aptly placed obelisk. They stayed away from anything they could not definitively show up, dismissing it as primitive and not worth the time. Tethe’allans liked their flare, and they liked to be the strongest and the most talented at everything—but more than that, they hated competition.

Latheon Gorge was the competitor they could never hope to defeat.

Zelos heard it before he saw it: even from a distance came the wailing of wind as it whipped around sharp angles and through narrow crevices, the sun no longer enough to warm them.A jagged wound tearing through the land, the Gorge was a series of deep canyons and gaping valleys swathed in fog, their walls lined in the bright green of spring growth. On all sides stretched towering mountains whose peaks hid behind the clouds. Any normal person would suffocate before reaching them, if they didn’t topple to their death first—half of them ended in rocky precipices, sharp and unforgiving of a single misstep. Anything that survived here did because it was hardier than the land itself, and fierce enough to kill off the competition. Only the truly desperate and crazy would brave its passes willingly. Lloyd was right: no one would look for them here.

They trashed the rheaird before the Gorge’s trademark winds could become unmanageable, heading deeper into the mountains on foot. Without the advantage of a bird’s eye view it became difficult to tell where mountains ended and valleys began; the accessible footpaths were the ones on higher ground, but they risked taking you so high that the oxygen would disappear before you had the opportunity to descend. It had rained not long ago; the air was thick with water, and the scent of newly grown flora sharp in his nostrils.

Lloyd was consistently a few steps ahead as they hiked through the passes.Every few minutes, without fail, he’d turn and ask Zelos if he was okay. Just a couple of words: casual, unconcerned, but the worry on his face plain as day. It was humiliating. Of course Zelos wasn’t _okay_ —Zelos had never been anywhere remotely close to _okay_ —but to admit that to Lloyd would require a self-examination he didn’t have the fortitude to endure.Denying it at least bought him a precious few minutes where he was left alone. 

Still, Lloyd’s concern did not abate. Zelos watched with increasing irritation as it became laced with disbelief. Lloyd could be as skeptical as he wanted—so long as he wasn’t asking any questions, Zelos couldn’t care less.

When they passed through an area where the ground was muddy and unstable, Zelos made the mistake of setting his foot in the wrong place. He had to wrench his ankle to get out, swearing when pain shot up his leg.

Lloyd didn’t miss a beat.“Are you okay?” he called back, glancing over his shoulder—but this time it was more automated, and he didn’t return to check.

Fine. 

Zelos threw himself against the cliff wall, draping a hand across his forehead with a flair that would have won him awards back in Altamira. “Sure as hell isn’t okay,” he called.Lloyd whirled around, alarmed, and Zelos continued. “These shoes are _ruined_. My favorite pair, too!”

Lloyd rolled his eyes.“C’mon, I think you’ll live,” he said, breaking into a grin.

“I might not,” Zelos warned him. “I might throw myself off this here precipice in despair.” He nudged a few pebbles as he spoke, watching them tumble over the edge and into the ravine far below. They clattered for a few seconds, the sound echoing faintly in his ears, and passed out of sight long before they could no longer be heard.

“Nah, you won’t.”

“What if I do? I loved these shoes, Lloyd!”

Zelos was too out of practice with the crystal. The tell-tale flow of mana in his veins, so similar to adrenaline, was almost too soft to detect. If he did fall, instinct might not save him—it would be so easy to slip and tumble off of the cliff, and it would solve the issue of having to talk to Lloyd.

“Then I’ll jump down after you and drag you back, and then we’ll get you a new pair of shoes,” Lloyd replied. He waved for Zelos to follow as he turned, taking another step down the path. “You coming or what?”

One could only hope, right?

Zelos glanced back at the ravine, biting the inside of his cheek. It was a hell of a long way down.

And he could believe that Lloyd would find him, one way or another. After everything Lloyd had done the last few times they’d met, then if he believed nothing else, he believed that.

With a scowl, he limped on.

The last time they had been to Latheon Gorge the wind had been brutal and fiercely cold, digging beneath clothes and skin to bite at the core of his being. It was still fierce—Zelos twisted his hair back as best he could, accepting a string Lloyd dug from his pocket—but it wasn’t so freezing as it had been those months ago, and if he stayed in the sunlight it became almost bearable.

It took more effort to accustom himself to the slew of scents that pervaded through the valleys: bitter flowers and the sweetness of fruit; the thick, earthy scent of the soil that was laced sharply with animal waste. Stepping into the wrong draft would cause one to overpower the rest, and his luck ensured it was never the fruit. Zelos wrinkled his nose, pressing a hand over it to try and filter out some of the smell. Even the incense of Mizuho would have been preferable to this.

The intensity of it all couldn’t have been normal, but when Zelos complained Lloyd only shrugged and said it reminded him of home. The smell, the wind, the squelching of their shoes through the mud—none of it seemed to bother him.

“Don’t ever take me to your place again,” Zelos muttered. “I’ll suffocate.”

“It’s not that bad,” Lloyd protested.

“Next time, I pick the vacation spot.”

It wasn’t until Lloyd had lost a couple of gald to the wind that he shrank back, his shoulders hanging with defeat. “Okay,” he said, “that’s fair.”

Zelos made a valiant attempt, but even at a snail’s pace he could not yet keep up with Lloyd. He could only go so far at a time before a stitch formed in his side, his ribs protesting furiously—how _dare_ he breathe, didn’t he know he was supposed to have stopped that long ago?—and between that and the exhaustion weighing down his limbs and the fog in his head, the effort to put one foot in front of the other was gargantuan.

He was careful not to complain about it. Lloyd already felt so awful as it was, and Zelos sure didn’t need his pity. But he needn’t have bothered making the effort: Lloyd thwarted his wallowing by stopping every half-hour and insisting they rest anyway.

Zelos did his best not to be insulted as he collapsed in a small arbor. Despite everything, he was grateful to take the weight off his leg, and Lloyd’s constant stopping might not even have anything to do with him. The kid _was_ carrying the majority of their stuff; maybe he just really needed the rest.

And maybe one of Mizuho’s warriors would turn up out of nowhere and offer them an all-expenses paid anonymous trip to Altamira, along with an official apology for their treatment of Zelos.Hey, he could dream.

The rock he set his ass on was uneven and uncomfortable, and too large to do anything about. Its only point of favor was that it was sheltered from the more terrible drafts, though there was a flower just on the other side of the valley that engulfed them in a foul-smelling breeze exactly when they least wanted it. Zelos pulled his hair down, endeavoring to shield himself from the worst of it. If he had to be assaulted by putridity, it might as well be his own.

Lloyd dug through one of their sacks and broke out a couple of apple gels, wordlessly passing one to Zelos.

Zelos loathed gels. They were gooey and sweet, with an artificial aftertaste too reminiscent of cough medicine. But they killed the ache in his limbs, and alleviated hunger he hadn’t known was there—how long had it been since he’d last eaten something that hadn’t been forced down his throat? His last solid meal had to have been sometime before the Tower, which was too long ago to remember.

“So,” Zelos said after a minute—a rattle in his jaw too loud in his ears, but it was the only way to be heard over the wind, “how long we planning on being here?”

_How long do I have? Until we’re found, or you turn me back in? How long until you figure out your mistake?_

Lloyd licked gel residue from his fingers, leaving them red from the dye. “Well,” he started, “I guess until we’re ready to go back, or until they forget about us, whatever happens first.”

“Got an idea of how long that’ll be?”

They both knew there was no chance of the latter. They might’ve forgotten about Zelos given enough time to cool off, but Lloyd disappearing would be a slight too personal for too many of them. Zelos had long since accepted that he was low on the list of priorities, and his behavior hadn’t won him any brownie points. He ought to have been more upset to know that were it not for Lloyd, he wouldn’t be missed at all—but the only reaction he could dredge up in response was a hollow ache.

Lloyd took a breath, his gaze leveled at Zelos and his eyebrows furrowed in too much worry for a kid like him. “I dunno,” he said. “We kinda had a fight, just before I left. I don’t really want to go back any time soon.”

Heh.“You’re just pissing off all kinds of people lately, aren’t you?”

Lloyd crumpled the gel wrapper into a ball. “Only for some things,” he said. “It was about you.”

“’Course it was.”

“Raine said the same thing you did yesterday,” Lloyd told him.“About some things not being fixable.”

“So _that’s_ why you got so offended.”

A flash of anger passed through Lloyd’s eyes, but the kid steeled himself.“I think you’re both wrong.Maybe you want to give up, but I don’t.”

Zelos didn’t take his eyes away from the mountains outside of the arbor, but he could feel Lloyd’s gaze boring into him even so.

Lloyd didn’t stop there, his words coming out more quickly now. “I… I don’t know why you did half the stuff you did. And that means I haven’t really been a good friend to you.”

Oh, not that. Zelos buried his eyes in the heels of his hands, exhaling roughly. Sure, for a long time he had thought of it that way, and in some ways he still kind of did. But any blame he had forced on Lloyd had been in the heat of the moment: unintentional, and certainly not still present. “Nah, Lloyd,” he interrupted, “that’s not it—”

“I’m not finished!” Lloyd said loudly, then lowered his voice to do so. “I don’t know why you betrayed us at the Tower, but I think you should at least get a chance to explain yourself. So whenever you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen, okay?”

“Lloyd,” Zelos groaned, and looked back up, catching sight of Lloyd’s eyes. They were wide with concern and unabashed sincerity, reminiscent of each conversation where Zelos had come so, so close to letting his words slip and telling the full story. To believing that when Lloyd said they were friends, he meant something deeper and more significant than any friend Zelos had had in the past. Something Zelos could be proud to be part of, instead of the convenient exchange of knives in the back that was Meltokio’s favorite sport.

“Just—just give me a few days, okay?” he pleaded, his tone softer.“And if you still hate me after that, then fine.We can go wherever you want and I won’t ask again.But just let me _try_.”

“I won’t make you any promises,” Zelos said.

“I don’t need a promise, I just need a chance.”Lloyd held out a hand, his gaze not leaving Zelos even if the other wouldn’t meet his eyes.“Come on.Truce?”

Zelos could not even bring himself to say a simple yes or no; how could he be expected to uphold something like that?

How pathetic. After all the shit he’d put them through, put _Lloyd_ through, the least he could do was agree to this. But the prospect of revisiting that night, the cold shock of Lloyd brushing him off, of Kratos being his only saving grace, of realizing he’d walked himself into a corner that he couldn’t—that he hadn’t _wanted_ to dig himself out of. Gods all damn it, he’d been so stupid. But could he really have expected anything less?

Lloyd reached out to take Zelos’s hand, his fingers just brushing Zelos’s skin before Zelos pulled back like he’d been shocked. Lloyd’s fingers retreated slowly, his shoulders sinking in disappointment.

Zelos’s stomach twisted itself into knots as it became more difficult to breathe. His throat constricted, heart raced; the clearest thought in his head _not now I don’t need this not fucking now_ repeated ad nauseam. The thick stench of the Gorge didn’t do him any favors as it pervaded through the air, forced into his throat and lungs by the same wind that pricked his skin and tossed his hair and dug into the wounds that hadn’t yet fully healed.

“Zelos?” Lloyd’s voice was distant, though he couldn’t have been sitting more than a couple of feet from Zelos. “You okay?”

“Stop asking me that,” Zelos snapped—and what was a little more regret on top of the remorse tearing at his core? “I’m… I’m good. Great.” He nearly choked on the words, too heavy on his tongue.

“Are you sure?” Hell, couldn’t Lloyd leave well enough alone? He’d been more than happy to ignore Zelos a week ago, what made now any different?

_You made it pretty clear that it needed to be._

“Yeah,” Zelos muttered, digging his fingers through his hair and along his scalp. “Can you give me a minute?”

“Uh, yeah—”

“Like. In private.”

It was fucking awful to have to ask. What would he say if Lloyd asked why? Gods forbid, if he asked if Zelos was okay again? The seconds before Lloyd spoke again were far closer to years.

“Oh,” he heard Lloyd say, and then the rustling of clothing as he stood. The noise was grating, but he wasn’t about to demand Lloyd keep it down after everything he’d already asked. “Sure. I’ll just be over here, okay? So you can catch up when you’re ready.”

Footsteps that started loud and faded as Lloyd got further away, and then Zelos was alone in the arbor with nothing but the wind and his racing thoughts.

* * *

He tried to get over himself as fast as possible, but it was still too long before Zelos was composed enough to keep walking. He kept the lingering, shaky breaths to himself. Even if it was draining to get to his feet and find Lloyd a few yards up the mountain, the experience had at least wiped out his anxiety and left only empty exhaustion in its place.

Lloyd’s mouth was turned down and his brow knit together, his worry plain as day. But thank all the gods, he asked no questions, and Zelos offered no answers.

The day crawled from early afternoon to late as they hiked deeper into the mountains, the goal changing from stay hidden to find a place to fucking sleep. The sun slipped behind the mountainous horizon with surprising speed, the sky glowing a bright orange and darkening the mountains nearly to black. Clouds took their time wafting past, fading from white to deep, shadowed gray, curling into sight and across the sky before fading again behind the peaks. Zelos had heard of sunsets that looked like fire, but that description didn’t capture how alien an experience it actually was.

It was then that the last few days caught up, the exhaustion dragging his limbs to the ground and clouding his head with vertigo. Zelos fell back against the cliff face, holding one hand before his eyes to protect them from the sun, and set about getting himself on the ground without bending too far in any direction. “Okay,” he said, and winced—his _own_ voice was too loud now, which was taking it just a bit too far. “I’m done. That’s it.”

In light this intense, he saw only Lloyd’s silhouette some yards ahead. “This actually isn’t a bad place to set down, huh,” he said—easier to hear now than he had been an hour ago, but the wind still carried the sound over Zelos’s head and down to the valley below.

“Of course,” Zelos replied. “Of course it’s great. I only pick out the best, you know; it’s what I’m used to.”

Lloyd chuckled, his silhouette disappearing behind an angle of the wall. “Yeah, yeah.”

There was a distant clatter of bags and equipment falling on the ground before Lloyd appeared from around the bend, his red coat hanging over one arm. He sat beside Zelos, resting his back against the same cliff—with their arms close enough to brush, the temptation to just rest his head on Lloyd’s shoulder was overwhelming. Zelos rubbed his fingers together, concentrating on a particularly tall tree in the distance. Maybe if he worked at it hard enough, he could pretend that Lloyd wasn’t a hair’s breadth away, the soft flow of his breathing audible even in these gusts.

He should’ve known it was futile, really, but Zelos had never been the kind of guy to quit when there was a wall he could hit his head against. It was so much easier to admit to himself how smitten he was when he was tired.

Oblivious to Zelos’s struggle, Lloyd whistled softly, long and low. “Some sunset,” he murmured.

“Right? It’s almost as impressive as me.”

“Yeah.”

Zelos snuck a peek at Lloyd, who didn’t seem to be paying attention. He wouldn’t be of course—and Zelos had known that, _did_ know it, and couldn’t even say he was surprised—but something inside him faltered anyway.

“What’d you do with our stuff, anyway?” Zelos finally asked after a minute, mainly so he’d have something to say. He didn’t give a rat’s ass where their stuff was. A lot of it wasn’t even his to begin with.

Lloyd waved his arm in the direction he’d come from. “There’s a cave back there,” he said. “It’s pretty shallow and probably not much good in a heavy storm, but most of the wind stays off and I don’t think anything’s living there. It’ll be good for tonight, at least!”

Zelos was the last person in Tethe’alla to be thrilled about sleeping in a cave, but he didn’t have much choice. He wasn’t about to walk any further tomorrow, much less today. And anything would be better than the dungeon in Mizuho.

“Food,” Zelos realized. It was the first time that thought had crossed his mind.

Lloyd groaned loudly, his head thunking against the rock behind them. “Too tired,” he complained. “I might not get up. How about I just fall on top of you?”

“If you insist,” Zelos muttered, only half joking.

They sat in silence as the sun sank lower, as orange faded into purple and a dusky blue before either of them noticed. It was probably the longest stretch of time Zelos had experienced without Lloyd saying a word—he could’ve fallen asleep, right there, without even laying down.

Zelos envied him the ability. He couldn’t have slept even if he’d wanted to, given everything his head had yet to process. He’d only just managed to grasp that he was still alive, much less that he was out here in the middle of nowhere with Lloyd, without a friend in the world.

Though, to be fair, it wasn’t like that last bit was a very new feeling—it was almost comforting to know that no matter how strong the connection, he could still demolish it with one well-placed strike. That had to be some kind of talent. Other people had friends hanging off them in droves, occupying all their time and personal space. Gods, that must suck.

Then the light had almost faded completely without a bit of conversation, Zelos decided that Lloyd was definitely asleep. He snored lightly, coat wrapped around his shoulders—a good move; it was growing colder as the sun disappeared.

Unsteadily, and as carefully as he could without waking Lloyd, Zelos stood and made his way over to the mouth of the cave. It was barely visible, and close enough to the ledge that there was a calculated risk of falling. If he made one wrong step in the dark, it couldn’t be said that it was his fault.

Zelos shoved the thought from his head. He couldn’t do that to Lloyd—Lloyd, who could somehow save two worlds simultaneously, literally kill a god, get all of his friends out alive, bring Zelos back from the dead, and orchestrate a successful break from Mizuho to put a cherry on top. Lloyd, who had done so fucking much for him since the day they’d met, in exchange for nothing but Zelos.

The least he could do was start a fire.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bros it took me SO MANY TRIES to write this chapter like it was a right bitch
> 
> honestly the scenes in latheon are the ones i think of first when i think of this fic, but they're also the ones that had to undergo SO MANY EDITS to even get vaguely right
> 
> i hope the pacing is ok!

The days slipped away with nothing to mark their passing save the rise and set of the sun and the steady melting of leftover snow, which flooded the creeks with a dull roar. It was too early for the weather to be any kind of humid, and the breeze could chill to the bone. Lloyd had his coat to keep the worst of it off—but despite the winter of travelling, most of Zelos’s wardrobe was meant for warmer climes. Zelos swore that it wasn’t a problem, but after the denial of his pain and exhaustion the days before, Lloyd couldn’t rely on him saying so if it was.

Lloyd tried his best to make Zelos understand that he wouldn’t betray his confidence.He hoped that by being easy to talk to and willing to listen he could slowly work out what Zelos was thinking and feeling, as he had so many times before, but any time he pressed for more information Zelos would only get quiet and cagey, changing the subject with little finesse.

He stood by his decision of not forcing Zelos to talk.Lloyd knew from experience that Zelos only became more hostile when pushed, and he wasn’t about to make Raine’s mistakes. But as one day passed into another with little marking it except flippant conversation and casual banter, Lloyd felt his patience begin to wear thin.

It would have been one thing if their relationship hadn’t been initially built on deception. Lloyd had not forgotten that night at Dirk’s house, when he’d thought Zelos was finally beginning to open up only to be immediately shut down. He didn’t want to think that maybe Zelos’s confession at the Tower and then their conversation in Mizuho were in the same vein: a lie, carefully structured to look like a truth kept secret from the world, made only to gather sympathy and then dismissed when it became inconvenient. Lloyd had clung to his belief that that _couldn’t_ be all there was to Zelos, that there had to be some good reason he behaved as he did, but he was beginning to fear that maybe he had been wrong.Was his failure to understand Zelos’s actions more reflective of how closed-off Zelos was?Or was it of how little attention Lloyd paid to him? He didn’t know.He couldn’t tell.

Even so, he couldn’t help wondering.When that happened he pushed his thoughts aside, pretending the tension didn’t bother him—but he wasn’t certain how much longer he was willing to last.In the face of Zelos refusing to respond to his questions—or on worse days, responding badly—it was easier to let the banter continue without pressing the matter too far.

Whether Zelos was going to talk or not, he was at least pretty good company when in high spirits. There were plenty of places to get lost in and things to climb on and fight in the Gorge, and between ribbing at Zelos and exploring, Lloyd kept his thoughts from wandering most of the time. 

They didn’t have to descend far to find a pond at the end of the valley. It wasn’t wide, but it was deep enough that Lloyd couldn’t touch the bottom and Zelos probably couldn’t have, either. Though the water in the nearby river—more of a creek, really—felt far colder than it actually was, the pond was freezing, and Lloyd regretted the decision to wade while Zelos stood by and laughed.

The pond was fed by a creek, which in turn snaked its way through the valley with a waterfall at its source, crashing loudly against the rocks that made up the bank. The water here was almost ice from the snow that still lingered on the mountain peaks, visible only as a white haze at the edge of his vision. Down here, swathed in trees that towered above their heads—the lowest branches almost twice Zelos’s height, and much taller than anything Lloyd had seen in Iselia—the wind went almost undetected. The only indication that it was still around was the strong gust would tear through on occasion, devastating any progress Zelos had made on his hair.

Many creatures that lived in the Gorge were still hibernating, but every so often they would run into something with more teeth than chill. They were quick dispatches for Lloyd by necessity; Zelos was in no shape to fight, but had no qualms about jumping in if he thought Lloyd needed help. The recklessness with which he regarded his own health was more than a little disquieting.

But to ask Zelos about those things would be to alienate him. It grated on Lloyd to leave it, but he kept his worries to himself, waiting for a chance to bring them up and hoping it would come soon.

* * *

Lloyd woke to his stomach protesting and a severe ache in his neck. Stretching did nothing for the muscle, leaving him to try his best to stand while aggravating it as little as possible. That was it. That was _it_. No more sleeping on the floor of a cave, he lectured himself, no matter how badass it was.

He rolled his shoulders back, stretching his arms out before him to work out the kinks. At least the lack of food the night before prevented the awful taste in his mouth from being too bad, and given that he’d forgotten to pack a toothbrush, that was really the best case he could have hoped for.

The sun had risen above the mountains at his back, not quite high enough to be noon. The shadow of the cliff made the plateau on which he stood rather chilly, and the breeze—from the north, today—didn’t help. Lloyd pushed one arm through his coat and then another, doing up the buttons as quickly as possible while goosebumps peppered his arms. One of his swords leaned against the cliff wall; he buckled it back around his waist, his gaze shifting over the vista through the cave mouth.

The valley was filled with trees and twisting clearings that might have contained a river. Birds chattered in every direction, one flock soaring across the pale horizon before landing in the foliage below. It would be a great day to fly: the air was fresh and cold and clear, with a faint sharpness that spoke of growth and life, and also some rotten fruit, but even that was bearable.

He wasn’t particularly fond of Latheon, and he probably never would be. But it was difficult to hate it in a dawn like this.

Zelos was a sharp shock of red against the gray slate walls. He sat cross-legged just inside the mouth, surrounded by discarded bandages and the remains of a gel wrapper. His shirt was tossed against the wall beside him, and a heap of fresh strips of cloth in his lap, one of which was covered in the faint pink of an apple gel. The circles beneath his eyes had deepened, but he grinned, giving Lloyd a wink. “Mornin’, beautiful.”

“Oh, hey! How’d you sleep?” Lloyd crouched beside Zelos and chewed the inside of his cheek. The wounds on his chest appeared to be healing okay—at least, Lloyd hoped they were. All but the deepest bruises had faded, leaving the skin a sickly green in their place. The only remaining signs of the small cuts and lacerations that had dotted his skin a few days ago were several thin, pink lines that might not even scar, so pale that a single flush would hide them entirely. All that was left were the gashes: plenty in Zelos’s stomach, and one across his chest. These were still in the process of scabbing over; no telltale signs of infection, but far from healed.

“’Bout as well as you can expect, with the rock for a pillow,” Zelos replied. “Admiring the view?”

There was a look in his eye, his lips curled into the tiniest of smirks—Zelos did not mean the valley.

Lloyd crossed his legs beneath him, then shifted back to his feet, unable to find a comfortable position.He couldn’t help feeling vaguely guilty about Zelos’s wounds, though his sympathy fluctuated depending on Zelos’s mood. “Those aren’t bothering you, are they?” he asked.

He realized how stupid a question it was. Zelos had broken out a gel, maybe several gels, and Zelos _hated_ gels. He’d always cast a brief First Aid if he had the choice, burning through mana as if there was no tomorrow.

Zelos shrugged with his good shoulder, not meeting Lloyd’s eyes. Lloyd couldn’t be sure if that was because he was lying, or if applying the panacea simply took that much focus. “Nah, not really,” he said. “Aches sometimes, but it isn’t slowing me down too much. Give me a hand, will ya?”

He handed Lloyd one end of a cloth strip, showing him where to press it to his side—he needed both hands to wind the cloth around his chest and shoulder. “The crystal helps,” he added as an afterthought.

Lloyd stiffened, remembering Zelos’s comment about the crystals from the other day. But if it was helping with the pain and speeding up the healing, well . . . they couldn’t afford not to use it. Not out here, where they were days away from any kind of healer. Gods, he really _hadn’t_ thought this through.

When Zelos finished changing the bandage, Lloyd handed him his shirt and stood back up. “You hungry?” he asked, though he already knew what the answer would be.

“Unless you’ve got anything more substantial than these sugar monstrosities, no,” Zelos said, his voice laced with disgust as he dropped a couple of spare gels back into their packaging.

Zelos hadn’t eaten much of anything since they’d left Mizuho. Lloyd had blamed it on lingering nausea from recovery, but as Zelos grew stronger his diet hadn’t improved. Lloyd wasn’t sure if it was Zelos or the food, but either way, they couldn’t continue like that much longer.

“I _like_ the sugar monstrosities,” Lloyd retorted, tongue-in-cheek. “But fine, what do you suggest?”

“I don’t know, I was considering just sitting here in the dirt and waiting for more bugs to crawl in my hair.” Zelos wove his fingers through it to make a point, then wrinkled his nose when he found a large ant on his fingers, and gave his hand a quick jerk. “Little bastards; haven’t they got their own place?”

Lloyd snorted. “Your hair beats out wherever they’re from by a mile, I bet,” he said with a grin.

“Aw, you like it? Even hellishly tangled as it is?” Zelos tossed it over one shoulder. “I’d kill for a mirror, actually.”

“I promise it’s great,” Lloyd replied, though truth be told, didn’t see the difference between now and how it always looked—it was still red and curly, even if it didn’t look quite as soft as usual.

“Thanks love, you’re the best.”

The remark was flippant, casual at best, and not for the first time, Lloyd found himself longing that something else had gone into it.

Lloyd sank back with Zelos against the cliff wall. “You’re sure you’re not hungry? You haven’t eaten in a while.”

Zelos heaved a great sigh, then angled his head to give Lloyd a stern gaze through a curtain of hair. “Alright, hun. Picture this. You haven’t eaten more than cough syrup in ages, right?”

“Sure.”

“Now, I set down the biggest fucking bowl of tomatoes you’ve ever seen right in front of you. We’re talking _huge_. And this stuff is, like… organic or something. Really red and round and juicy. People would kill for this thing. And you’re starving. Are you gonna eat it?”

Lloyd felt sick merely at Zelos’s description of the fruit; eating it was something else entirely. It was a difficult toss-up. On one hand, he’d been known to devour even Raine’s cooking when he was hungry enough. On the other, Raine was kind enough not to cook with tomatoes.

“I guess I see your point,” he acknowledged. “What do you _want_ to eat, then? We can go back to Meltokio or something.”

Zelos’s expression contorted into disgust.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Lloyd said, crossing his arms. “I mean, if something’s wrong—”

“Nothin’ wrong here! Everything’s great, cross my heart and hope to die,” Zelos replied, drawing an obligatory X over his chest, then he winked. “‘Course, it’ll take more than that to kill me.”

Lloyd tapped a finger on his arm. “Those jokes aren’t funny, Zelos.”

“I’m laughing!”

“Yeah, but I’m not!”

“C’mon, c’mon, lighten up,” Zelos said—and he _was_ laughing, to be fair, but it was the way he laughed after he’d said something he didn’t want Lloyd to question. “I’m feeling great! Let’s go scale that peak you wanted to fight or something, how ‘bout that?”

Lloyd already knew that he would lose a fight to a mountain, but he _had_ wanted to climb the one about a mile away.It was a tempting prospect.“Sure you’re up for that?We _could_ just take it easy today.” 

“What, are you afraid or something?”

“Of course not!”

Zelos was already getting to his feet.“Then let’s _go_ ,” he said with finality, and Lloyd rose to follow.

* * *

Lloyd could frown and sigh and fuss all he wanted. In the end, he couldn’t stop Zelos from pursuing him across the narrow trails of the Gorge.

“How’s the weather up there?” Zelos shouted from a precipice far below Lloyd. The boy climbed like a fucking goat—had he always been that nimble?—and was now a red mess of limbs a good thirty yards away.

He just barely heard Lloyd yell great!, waving his arms back and forth. He looked like an insect, all limbs and pointy edges sticking out every which way, perched atop a rock that jutted out over the ravine.

“Liar,” Zelos shouted back, his words lost to the wind that tore at his hair and clothing, threatening to knock him off the ledge if he didn’t keep his balance. He grasped a divet in the rock face and hauled himself up to another path, his ribs protesting violently as he did so. At least he had full use of all his limbs now; he still couldn’t quite lift his right arm all the way, but he wouldn’t be limited by complete immobility.

Lloyd waited for him to catch up, sitting on the edge of the rock and gazing out at the land. Far, far below them—almost too far to see—water churned and crashed over rocks as it cascaded through the mountains, fresh and cold from the spring rains. The roar seemed to reach them even up here, but that could have just been the wind.

Any sun that had been present that morning had disappeared behind the clouds, which stretched long and unbreaking into the distant horizon. They obscured the peaks of the mountains and drifted in foggy tendrils to the valleys, and darkened the further back one looked. Those weren’t simple mists. Those were stormclouds.

“That’s all pretty ominous,” Lloyd said, still cheerful. Being outside had improved his mood and kept him occupied enough not to ask Zelos too many questions. Some part of Zelos was grateful for this. He couldn’t have handed out the real answers if his life depended on it. But another part of him ached for Lloyd to keep asking and eventually drag it out in the open—at least then Zelos wouldn’t be left alone with himself.

Lloyd swung his legs back and forth, twisting his neck up to gaze at Zelos. “Think we should head back?”

Now that he thought about it, there was moisture in the breeze, faintly humid and rather cold. Cold and humid were an odd couple, one Zelos certainly didn’t like. The wind felt as if it was growing stronger, too. It was becoming more difficult to hear Lloyd over its din, even when they stood beside each other.

Zelos would have given a lot to sit down. The exertion of climbing was beginning to take its toll, though his endurance had improved in the last few days. But if he turned back now, it would only give Lloyd another reason to worry.

“Seems too far to reach us,” Zelos mused. “I’m not worried.”

And he wasn’t. A little rain had never hurt anyone, and he dealt with enough lightning when casting that he was confident in his ability to process it. He was just pissed, really, at having to comb his hair again later.

“Tired?”

“Are you kidding?” he scoffed. “I can go all day!”

When Lloyd was clearly skeptical of something, he’d pull his mouth into a weird grimace and look at you sideways. He looked at Zelos that way now, scrutinizing him with a ferocity that rivalled the Professor’s. “You sound tired.”

Zelos sounded fine, thanks. “I sound fine,” he replied, waving a hand to dismiss Lloyd’s concern. “What are you, my mother?”

“No! But maybe I should call her and tell her to make you stop lying!” Lloyd joked. He poked Zelos’s leg, which was the only bit of him he could reach. Zelos nudged him back with his foot.

“Cool, I didn’t know you could make calls to the afterlife,” he replied.

Lloyd’s expression immediately melted into one of guilt. “Aw man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” he said—genuinely upset, to Zelos’s surprise.

Zelos raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you didn’t?”

“I mean, I suspected, but I didn’t wanna ask just in case—”

Zelos shrugged with one shoulder, the perfect picture of nonchalance. His mother’s death was pretty common knowledge, but of course Lloyd was usually the last to know that kind of thing. It was almost funny to think about: it was one of the things he’d meant to tell Lloyd that night in Flanoir, though of course other things had gotten in the way. “Don’t sweat it, I don’t care. I swear I thought I told you.”

Lloyd shook his head. “No, never. I’m really sorry.”

“Seriously, it’s okay. If you keep apologizing I’m gonna leave you here, or something.”

“Sor—shit. I mean. Well.” Lloyd frowned, his brow furrowed in concentration. “You know what I mean! Let’s just keep climbing!”

Zelos couldn’t help laughing at his struggle. Lloyd blushed furiously as he stood, ignoring Zelos as he set off again along the path.

The wind continued to pick up as they scaled the mountain, the clouds rolling in with surprising speed over the horizon. It was a little thrilling to look down and see only the blur of trees below, cut through by the gray ribbon of a river. It began to get colder than Zelos could appreciate, but at least the ferocity of the wind obscured the smell of the Gorge.

Minutes later, they reached the peak.

It was a small one that barely counted, and every mountain Zelos could see was taller. But even so they were awfully high up—nothing surrounded them but the clouds and the air that was nearly too thin to breathe. If Zelos had been struggling before, that effort was now doubled: mountain climbing, he resolved, was probably not for him.

Lloyd appreciated it more, crouching on a plateau and gazing out across the whole of the Gorge laid out before them. “Now that’s a view,” he murmured in wonder.

He wasn’t wrong. The whole of Latheon was spread out before them, with its deep, uniform forest green and the silvery black of stones and earth. Zelos pursed his lips, surveying the landscape with the practiced eye of one who’s been subjected to the surroundings for the last several days. There were only so many rocks and trees one could look at, he’d decided, before one had seen literally every rock and tree.

“You know, I gotta say,” Zelos said with approval. “Those sure are some mountains. I had my doubts, when we were down there walking around in ‘em, but now I can say for sure that those are most definitely mountains.”

Lloyd sighed.

Zelos shrugged, a grin tugging at his mouth. “Come on, what else is there?”

Lloyd took a second look around, biting his lower lip. “There’s trees,” he said. “A few rocks, too.”

Zelos waited.

“Okay, maybe you’re right. They’re like twice as interesting up close,” Lloyd finally admitted.

“Twice zero is still zero,” Zelos muttered.

“I left Raine so I wouldn’t have to do math!”

“That’s not even math, that’s like, basic common sense.”

Talking about climbing to the peak of a mountain was all well and good, Zelos found, but once you actually got there, it was pretty boring. He and Lloyd had nothing to do but stand at the edge shuffling their feet, watching the dark clouds edging toward them. The wind prickled Zelos’s skin and whipped stray curls of his hair against his neck. It roared in his ears, muffling any other sound—including Lloyd’s voice. He only figured out Lloyd was talking to him when a hand landed on his shoulder, giving him a start.

Zelos had to make him repeat what he’d said, resisting the urge to cover Lloyd’s hand with his.

“Maybe we should climb back down,” Lloyd urged.

Zelos’s first instinct was to say something along the lines of nah, if I melt in the rain then that’s how I go, but Lloyd’s mouth was turned down in concern—and the clouds were pretty intimidating. No lightning yet, but that didn’t mean much. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Sure. We can fight a storm some other time.”

Lloyd gave him two enthusiastic thumbs up before turning to head back the way they came. Zelos cast one last glance across the valley—the greenery seemed to crawl across the floor, though he couldn’t tell for sure—and followed. A particularly strong gust at his back drove his steps, threatening to knock him off balance.

“Piece of shit wind,” Zelos muttered, looking up just in time to see the ground slide away and drag Lloyd off the edge of the cliff.


	9. Chapter 9

Lloyd’s shout of surprise was lost on the wind as he disappeared over the edge, a bright mess of red against the darkening sky. A scream tore from Zelos’s throat as he dove forward. He fell on his knees at the edge, leaning as far over the side as he could without losing his balance, one hand outstretched—but by that time Lloyd was already gone.

He could see Lloyd far below, tumbling toward the floor of the ravine. Too distant already to see any features, but they would have been lost on Zelos regardless. The wind, the trees, the mountain; all of it faded and there was nothing left in Zelos’s vision but Lloyd’s rapidly receding form.

_Go after him._

Heat emanated from the crystal against his collarbone, a surge of mana and adrenaline sending fire through his veins. Zelos’s fingers trembled where they rested against the rough cliff face. He hadn’t used his wings since before the Tower and hadn’t flown in longer since, but as he leapt to his feet his muscles tensed in preparation to jump. Any nausea, any disgust he had for the wings had to be left behind.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, mana coalesced in the small of his back and between his shoulder blades, knitting itself into a physical form. He grit his teeth through the familiar burn.

But before he could throw himself into the wind, Lloyd’s body was obscured by the glow of magic. Striking, icy blue against the steel of the ravine, it condensed and took on a new form: a pair of seraph’s wings, longer than Lloyd was tall. They beat against the wind, slow and powerful, changing his descent from a violent drop to a steady arc that raced across the sky. Zelos felt his stomach drop, the mana at his back disappearing into vapor. Where there should have been relief at Lloyd’s survival, there was only sudden illness at the sight of the wings. His thoughts moved too quickly to quantify as he staggered back, willing himself to breathe. In, out. Slowly. Steady.

Lloyd’s movements were clumsy and inarticulate, but reflected a comfort with the situation that Zelos had never experienced. He soared level until a gust of wind caught him and momentum drove him upward, high enough that he became a speck only an angel could see. Haphazardly he fell, then glided and then fell, until eventually he could land on the unsteady ground.

His landing wasn’t by any means soft. Lloyd dropped a good five feet and skidded through rocks and dirt, tripping over his own limbs. His wrists tangled beneath himself, taking most of the damage, but Zelos could see scrapes stretching across his skin. Lloyd coughed and spat dirt onto the ground, before weakly pushing himself up to sit. “Ta-da!” he cheered.

The wings still stretched from his back, larger than they had seemed from far off. They lay flat across the ground, their flow almost too faint to see.

Zelos swallowed hard, an ache in his throat as he stepped and then ran toward Lloyd, crouching at his side. He reached out for Lloyd’s face and then stopped himself, fingers hovering just over his skin. “First Aid,” he whispered.

There was a haze of green as mana condensed in the air beneath his hand, and the scrapes faded away.

Lloyd chuckled and brushed Zelos’s hand aside, letting their fingers twine together. “Hey, I’m alright! Don’t worry about those.”

“You just fell off a cliff, flyboy,” Zelos reminded him.

“And didn’t I say not to worry about heights?” Lloyd’s grin was infectious even in the face of a brush with death. Zelos tried to smile back, but his eyes kept slipping away from Lloyd’s face, landing on the wings—so close that he could feel the heat burning his skin, digging into his limbs. They were so close, and even if the color and shape were different they were still too reminiscent of his own. His fingers itched inside his gloves; even the innocuous material was no longer safe.

“Zelos—hey, Zelos!”

Zelos snapped his gaze back to Lloyd, whose eyebrows were knit together in concern.

“You okay? You look kinda green,” he said.

“Everything looks green here,” Zelos reminded him.

“Yeah, but you look green in a sick way. What’s wrong?”

Zelos closed his eyes and breathed, pulling his hand out of Lloyd’s in order to rake it through his hair. The action took less than a second; it was all Zelos would have to pull himself together, and it would have to do.

When he opened his eyes again, it was with a bright grin. “You just scared the shit out of me, taking a dive like that! Warn a guy next time, yeah?”

Lloyd’s frown only deepened. “Is it the wings?”

“What?”

“You keep looking at ‘em. Oh, right, _fuck_ —” Lloyd realized quickly, smacking his forehead. The wings dissipated in an instant, letting cold air rush in to fill their place. “I didn’t tell you about those, did I?”

“Not in so many words, no,” Zelos muttered. There was nothing inherently evil about the wings themselves; they were a natural manifestation of a seraph’s power, and hell, even Colette had them. But he couldn’t imagine—didn’t want to imagine—what had happened to cause Lloyd to end up with the same fate as a Chosen.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, that—that slipped my mind,” Lloyd said, his words quick and apologetic. He tentatively took Zelos’s hand again, squeezing it gently. The warmth and pressure were reassuring, but even between that and the wings’ disappearance, Zelos couldn’t get his heart to calm down. “I didn’t even think I still had them. I only used ‘em once before—they’re pretty, aren’t they?” he added as an afterthought.

“Pretty’s one way to put it,” Zelos said. “Lloyd, do you—” Zelos’s voice caught in his throat, the words hanging back. He inhaled sharply and stared at the pattern on his glove. “How the hell did you get them?”

Lloyd rubbed a thumb over the surface of his exsphere. “I don’t really know,” he confessed. “Kratos has some ideas, but he hasn’t—”

Zelos snorted. “Yeah, I bet Kratos has some ideas.”

“Hey,” Lloyd snapped. “Leave off Kratos, okay? He’s done his best to try and help, and you being pissed at him isn’t gonna change anything!”

Zelos was definitely pissed, but whether it was at Kratos or Lloyd or himself or something else entirely, he couldn’t be sure. “So what, you’re just gonna leave it at that?” he demanded.

“I’m not leaving it at anything!”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

“Well, yeah! But there’s not really anything I can do about it right now!I mean, unless you’re gonna tell me—”

Zelos yanked his hand from Lloyd’s and pulled it through his hair again, though the wind tossed it back into place. His fingers caught on the tangles, preventing him from getting all the way through. “You already know how wings happen, kid. Cruxis and their goddamn crystals—”

“Yeah, but I didn’t go on a Chosen journey, so Kratos doesn’t know—”

“What your precious father doesn’t want to tell you,” Zelos retorted, “is that it’s because of what he and his friends did to themselves and then to your mom and now what they’re doing to you. You’ve worn that thing too long, Lloyd!”

“I haven’t really had a choice!”

The sky darkened rapidly as clouds rolled in overhead; in the distance was the low growl of thunder, barely audible over the intensifying wind.It had been chilly before, but now the cold bit through his clothing and raised unpleasant goosebumps on his skin.Zelos took a shivering breath. “You have a choice now, don’t you?!” he said over the wind.“But here you still are!”

Lloyd’s nostrils flared.“Do you even realize what a huge hypocrite you’re being?!” he shouted as he rose up on his knees. “That’s the same thing I keep trying to tell you!”

“That’s different!”

“No, it isn’t!”

The sky opened above them, letting sharp drops of rain cascade to the ground—though the water was more like ice, and burned on Zelos’s face with the same vengeance.He cursed, rubbing stray liquid out of his eyes.

Lloyd glowered up at the heavens for half a second before grabbing Zelos’s hand and dragging him to his feet.“C’mon,” he said.“It doesn’t matter right now.Let’s get out of here.”

“Fine,” Zelos muttered.He wrenched his hand from Lloyd’s, pretending he didn’t see Lloyd’s glare falter for half a second as they made their way back to the path.

* * *

They stumbled into their cave just as the rain began to pour, the roar of water causing Zelos’s ears to ring.  His shoes were soaked through; his feet squelched through them into the mud, which was bitterly cold and moist, and he appreciated neither sensation.  Rain poured down around them, the tiniest of droplets crashing against the rock walls outside, the din drowning out any noise softer than a shout.  Rivulets of water would stream into the mouth, but quickly moved out again as gravity carried them down.

The interior, at least, was mostly dry.Wood was stacked as far back as possible and another pile was in the center, ready to be lit.Zelos was really rather pleased with himself for this kind of foresight.He’d been useless to Lloyd thus far, and even if it hadn’t been intentional, it was clear that Lloyd knew it, too.

The silence as they ducked out of the storm was unbearable.Lloyd did not speak to him even once, merely leading him back down the path.At first Zelos hadn’t cared.He hadn’t been sure he would have the capacity to talk to Lloyd under these circumstances, with rage and bitter betrayal filling his whole being.But both had now been replaced with guilt, and Zelos found himself longing for Lloyd to at least acknowledge his presence.

Zelos pulled his arms behind his back.“Bet you never had a storm like this one, huh?”

His right arm still ached, but it was the kind of ache that accompanied use rather than the debilitating weakness that had plagued him the last weeks.A minor improvement, with no small thanks owed to Lloyd’s efforts retrieving a crystal.

Cold water spattered him as Lloyd shook out his hair like a dog.A whine of surprise that was far higher than his usual pitch came from Zelos throat; he wiped his eyes, silently cursing himself.What the hell was that?

Then, to his surprise, Lloyd answered him.“We get some pretty nasty stuff off the sea sometimes.” Lloyd unbuckled his swords and pulled one from the sheath, wiping it on his coat.The article was covered in water; how it would improve anything Zelos didn’t have a clue. “But, I don’t think it’s ever been this cold.”

“It’s fucking awful.”Zelos crossed his legs and sat before the pile of kindling nearer the mouth of the cave.It was mostly dry, especially on the bottom; with luck and a good deal of magic, he might actually be able to get it lit.

Lloyd did not reply.

Zelos took a breath to quiet his heart, a failed attempt at reassuring himself.“Makes you wanna curl up in bed with someone beautiful on either side, y’know?”

“Yeah, I guess.”Even after running his hands through it a couple of times, Lloyd’s his hair stuck to the sides of his face.Dripping wet, it was much longer than it seemed when it stood at all angles—it hung just above his cheekbones, shaggy and layered in a manner much like his father’s. 

It was kind of cute.

Zelos began murmuring the words for fireball, but the words were automatic, his focus elsewhere.

Lloyd caught his eye, his jaw softening.“You okay?”

Zelos stumbled in the incantation, turning one of the words into a jumbled mess before continuing on in a hurry.Even so, the damage was done.Instead of a controlled flame, the air within his hands combusted with a loud POP.The force of it knocked him back on his ass.A sweet, metallic scent filled the air and his hands felt like he’d laid them flat on a burning pan.“Shit,” he cursed as he recoiled, “fuck—”

“Are you okay?!”he heard Lloyd shout from behind him.Then there were fingers on his shoulders, damp with rainwater.One moved to grasp his hand, but Zelos reacted before he could think.He tore away from the grasp.

“I’m FINE!”Zelos drove his elbow into Lloyd’s stomach.Startled by the volume of his own words, he took a gasping breath and tried again.“I’m fine.”

Lloyd grunted at Zelos’s hit, but he backed off.Zelos growled through clenched teeth before starting the incantation again.As he raced through the words a small flame appeared between his hands.With it he lit a dry strip of bark thin as paper, and thrust it inside the rest of the kindling.It took only a minute for the rest to catch. 

Zelos twisted to look at Lloyd, the locks of his hair clinging to his neck and shoulder.

Lloyd bit his lip, firelight glinting off his brown skin and shining in his eyes.His gaze was one of scrutiny and his shoulders were tense, as if he expected Zelos to go off again at any minute.

“Look, see?” Zelos said shortly, gesturing to the fire behind him.“Fine!”

Lloyd let his shoulders fall, then reached out toward Zelos.

“What?!” Zelos snapped.

Lloyd replied with an uncharacteristic calm.“Lemme see your hands.” 

“What, so you can make sure I’m not going to set myself on fire?”

“So I can make sure the blast didn’t hurt you, dumbass.” He held one of Zelos’s hands and pried his fingers open, brushing away the charred glove.It wasn’t until he relaxed in Lloyd’s grasp that Zelos realized how clenched they had been.Signs of abuse on his skin glinted white in the firelight, but if Lloyd noticed, he kept it to himself. 

Lloyd’s hands were warm despite the damp, his palms calloused from years of work.They were rough, and would be rougher when dry, but his touch was gentle. 

“It’s fine,” Zelos murmured again.“Doesn’t even hurt.”

“Burns never do, at first.They hide under your skin and creep up later.”

Zelos snorted.“The hell do you know about fire magic?”

“Nothing,” Lloyd admitted.He closed Zelos’s fingers and cover them with his hand.His skin was rough and calloused, yet warm, and far from unpleasant.“But my dad is a blacksmith, remember?I’ve had my fair share.”

It would be so easy to sit in silence, his hand in Lloyd’s while the fire crackled behind them.For a brief second, Zelos could have left it like this.With the warmth of the fire and Lloyd intoxicatingly close, the storm surrounding them was far away. It was difficult to believe in Raine and Kratos and Cruxis and Mizuho, and that they were as near and as dangerous with Lloyd at his side as they had been without.In this quiet instant, they no longer mattered.All that mattered was within this cave in godforsaken Latheon Gorge, gazing at him with brown eyes that whispered of sorrow and betrayal and undeserved faith.

But the second passed and the warmth faded, leaving self-loathing in its place. 

“Well, doctor.”Zelos pulled his hand away.The burn Lloyd spoke of began to flare, a sharp tingling in the periphery of his senses.“Satisfied?”

Lloyd’s expression melted into a scowl.He sat back on his heels.“You don’t have to be like that.”

“Like what.”

“All bitter and closed off and everything!”He moved his hands when he spoke, as though they’d help his point.“I’m worried about you, and I kinda don’t appreciate you treating it like a joke.”

“Oh, it’s not a joke, is it?Good thing I didn’t run through that poison ivy patch earlier, things could have been really bad!”

Lloyd exhaled sharply and dragged his hands through his hair, casting drops across the cave floor.“Can you just—just stop this?Please?I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Zelos longed to tear his hair out, to walk out into the storm, to do something to keep from having to listen to Lloyd plead.He would rather have dealt with anger or disdain than simple disappointment.Both were familiar, easy to rationalize. 

“I thought,” Lloyd started, then shook his head. “Damn.I thought that maybe, if I gave you some time, you’d… I don’t know.”He got to his feet and began to walk toward the back of the cave.“I don’t know what I thought anymore.It was stupid.I was stupid.”

Zelos rubbed his temple.“You’re not stupid, Lloyd—“

“Sure doesn’t feel like that!”

“You could never be stupid. If anything you’re too quick for your own good,” Zelos muttered.With one hand he combed dark, wet strands of hair out of his forehead, eyes flicking to Lloyd’s hands.They were curled into fists in his lap, the key crest glinting in the firelight.His thumb and forefinger rubbed together once, and the whole hand tapped on his thigh.

“I wasn’t smart enough to figure out you were upset until it was too late,” Lloyd said.His voice shook.“And I wasn’t smart enough—I’m still not smart enough—to know how to help you, and I wasn’t smart enough to know that just running away from Mizuho was a terrible idea.And I’m not smart enough to know how to fix this and make us be friends again, even though I hate that you don’t want to talk to me and you won’t even look at me sometimes, and I hate fighting.I’m so sick of fighting, Zelos.I don’t want to fight you.”

“Hell if I want to fight you, either—“ Zelos began to say, but Lloyd shook his head and cut him off.

“You don’t have to lie to me anymore,” he said, quietly.“I don’t care.”

Zelos froze, every thought coming to a crashing halt in favor of echoing Lloyd’s words over and over inside his head like a death knell. _I don’t care.I don’t care._ No, Zelos wanted to insist, to scream, as he watched a hazy version of Lloyd back away and begin gathering his things.That wasn’t it.That _couldn’t_ be it.In a million years, Zelos had not thought he would relive that scene at Flanoir when Lloyd had dismissed his company, had indicated through actions what he said in three simple words now.The knowledge that Lloyd cared enough to drag him out of the Tower, rescue him from Mizuho, to stay out with him in the middle of nowhere even after everyone else had given up was the only thing that had kept him from stepping off the mountainous pass only days before.If Lloyd no longer cared, where did that leave Zelos? 

“I guess we’ll head back to Meltokio whenever this lets up,” came Lloyd’s voice from far away.“I’ll drop you off at your place and head back to Mizuho, or wherever the others are now.I’ll tell ‘em not to come after you.This is my fault, anyway, it’s the least I can do.I mean, if they even listen to me—which is kinda the reason we left in the first place.I don’t know if—”

He barely heard Lloyd speak through the roar of blood in his ears; what little he did hear was only halfway processed.The part that shone through was that Lloyd was leaving.It didn’t matter if it would be now or later; he would leave eventually, and they’d already established that Zelos was useless without him present.Whatever he was saying was unimportant.He couldn’t be allowed to go.Not this time.Not again.

“Don’t.”

Zelos had to force the word.

Lloyd paused, but his expression remained laden with the same melancholia through which he’d made his speech.“Huh?”

“You can’t just do this.You can’t just fucking _decide_ I’m not worth it and run away because you don’t want to deal with me anymore!”

Lloyd was taken aback.“Is _that_ what you think I’m doing?”

“It _is_ what you’re doing!”

“What the _hell_ , Zelos!”Lloyd abandoned his task and leaned toward him.The melancholy disappeared, replaced with a flash of anger.“How can you even think that?I haven’t done anything but try to help you and think of you for days!I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t think you were worth it!”

“Oh yeah?Then what changed?Because you sure don’t seem to think I’m all that worth it now!” Zelos shouted.He staggered to his feet, pulling himself up to his full height in an effort to tower over Lloyd.“You’re just going to run back to all your friends that hate my guts like nothing ever happened!Woops, sorry about that!I sure don’t know what came over me, but we all love each other so let’s all have a giant feelings orgy about how fucking _relieved_ we are not to have that terrible Zelos in our lives anymore!Sounds like a trip.You have fun with that, Lloyd.Remember to use fucking protection!”

“Stop being an ass!You know that’s not what it’s like!”

“I’ve got a good imagination!There’s not a whole lot else to work on when you’re sitting alone in the dark while your best friend is jamming with his bastard of a father.Is that what you’re gonna go back and do?Why not just leave me stranded up in Flanoir with a sword in my gut for maximum recreative points?We can be there in a few hours with a rheaird!”

“Are you suggesting killing yourself _again_?”

“Hey, your words, not mine!”

Lloyd made an incoherent noise, tearing at his hair.“This is exactly why I don’t think staying here longer is a good idea! I keep trying and trying to get through to you, but you just keep being a jerk!”

“ _I’m_ the jerk?”

“Yeah, you’re the jerk!”Lloyd pointed at his chest.“You keep your mouth shut all the time or you tell me to get lost, so I thought this was what you wanted!For me to get lost!”

Zelos knocked his hand away with more force than he needed.“I _never_ said that.”

“You sure act that way!And you’ve been doing it ever since that talk we had my Dad’s house!”Lloyd began to list things on his fingers, pacing a little as he thought.“You drop hints and I try to ask you about them and you—you try to brush me off, but then you get upset when I give you space, or when I need time by myself, or hell, when I want to talk to someone else.You tell me you love me right before you kill yourself, and then it all happens all over again, and I just—“ He dropped his hand, his glare flicking back to Zelos.“I do my best, but I can’t read minds!I can’t keep trying to give you what I think you want only to have you fight me about it.”

Lloyd’s anger had always been as quick to dissipate as it was to flare, and it was no different now.The glare was gradually replaced by the same somber melancholy that he had worn earlier, his eyes pleading.“I’m sorry,” he said.“I wanna be with you, I really do.But it’s. . . I don’t think you mean to be, but it’s really bad for you to do stuff like that.And I want to make everything work because you are worth it to me.But I’m confused because I don’t know where we stand, and then I feel bad and guilty and nervous because I think I should know, and at some point I … I just have to move on.”

In the silence that followed, the hissing of the fire grew higher in pitch than it was already, its heat oppressive and asphyxiating rather than a comfort.Thunder crashed as the rain roared louder and louder, drowning his thoughts as well as anything that Lloyd might have said.More than ever Zelos craved to be indoors—in Sybak, in Meltokio, hell, even Mizuho would do—anywhere that could provide relief from this.

“Fine,” Zelos stammered.“Fine, then.Move on!See if I fucking care.No one’s better at moving on than me, anyway.”

There was a flash and then the rumbling crash of thunder.For the first time, Lloyd’s gaze faltered; his eyes flickered to the mouth of the cave, muscles tensing as if to leap up.

If Zelos had blinked, he would have missed it.

“… Okay, then,” Lloyd said.“I’ll take you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mental illness sure is a trip
> 
> ALSO ALSO [orangerux @ twitter](https://twitter.com/OrangeRux/status/872590950136205314) drew our favorite good boy as soaked as he is in this chapter. doesn't he look good?
> 
> [aurion @ tumblr](https://istilltrustyou.tumblr.com/post/161723196664/the-sun-melted-over-the-horizon-in-a-stretch-of) drew art for chapter 6! i'm so impressed because that's exactly how i pictured it.
> 
> they're all so awesome!! if you guys ever do anything for this fic pls pls pls send it to me bc i would LOVE to share your work


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